Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 40

Dear Joey,

This is the last letter I shall ever write to you. I know that sounds sad, maybe even slightly disappointing, but it's a good thing for me.

This isn't the end of my story. I will keep it alive, keep illustrating it on my body instead of on these pages. I started my story on my body, and I will end it on my body.

I suppose you might be wondering why I am ending my letters. To be honest, it's because they don't help anymore. At first, writing to you kept me connected to you, made me feel like I was talking to you even when you're weren't here. Writing these letters was my escape, was my way of keeping myself in the past, despite everyone's efforts to bring me back. Then, when I met Duke, I suppose I used these letters as a way of figuring out my emotions. I was also, in my own odd, strange way, using these as a way of receiving your approval. Subconsciously, I thought if I described Duke in enough detail, if I told you how wonderful he was enough times, I would receive some sort of reassurance that you approved, that you .wanted me to move on with him. Sad, I know, but I was sad.

I'm not sad now. I'm happy, happier than I have been in months. Duke makes me happy, he makes me want to live in the now. He is so vastly different to you, and I think that's why it works. With him, I notice the small things that most people don't give a shit about. With Duke, I become soft, and protective and affectionate. I became all the things that used to make me want to vomit, but now I can't stop being that way.

I feel things with Duke that I've never felt before. I want to be around him, all the time. I want to wrap my arms around him and protect him from the world. I want to look into his gorgeous eyes and make him ignore what people say, make him focus on nothing but us. I sound pathetic and possessive, but I don't care. I want to protect him from everybody and everything, I want to keep him safe, keep him pure and innocent. Because if he loses that, he will lose his hope, and then he will become me. And that is something I never want to happen.

I want to thank you in this letter, Joe.

I can imagine you rolling your eyes right about now. But I mean it. I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for the last actual words you said to me. Sure, at the time I despised them, resented them even. But now, I find comfort in them. I feel as if you've given me your blessing, that you really did want me to move on. For a while, I was so focused on keeping your memory alive, I didn't care I wasn't living. But now I realize, I can have a life and still remember you. Really, you were loved by too many to ever be forgotten.

I took upon myself to make sure you were remembered, not trusting others to do so. I thought they were uncaring and cold hearted because they moved on with life, and only now do I understand that they will never forget you, even if they're happy. I began to forget myself to remember you, but now, I'm remembering both.

I think you'd like Duke. You're so different, both of you amazing in your own way. But I think you'd respect him. You'd appreciate him for saving me, and you'd realize how much of a good person he is. I know it sounds weird, comparing my boyfriend to my dead ex, but I highly doubt either of you would mind. I'm only comparing because you're so different, yet seemed to share a common goal. To keep me happy. And I'm honoured to of had both of you in my life.

I want you to know, I'm going to be happy for a long time. I want you to know, I'm doing what you told me to do. I want you to know, I'm finally more than okay.

I once said, that the dead don't leave us until we accept they're dead. I'm proud to say, that I've accepted you're gone. I've accepted it, and I've let you go, ans I'm happy keeping the memories I have. I don't need anymore.

I love you Joe, I really do. But I'm in love with you any more. And it feels amazing.

I love Duke so much it hurts. I don't ever want to be apart from him. If this is what living feels like, and I fucking love being alive.

And if this what dreaming feels like, I like day dreaming.

For the last time, for old times sake.

Goodbye, Joe. Goodbye.

"I always had this idea that you should never give up a happy middle in the hopes of a happy ending, because there is no such thing as a happy ending. Do you know what I mean? There is so much to lose."

Cole.

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I wrote this chapter and I was really happy with how it turned out. Then my kindle shut down and deleted it all. -_-

I've rewrote it, but I'm not as pleased with it as I was. I'm sorry.

But it's the end! Sad/happy face..... ?