Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 15

Dear Joey,

The weekend passed with beautiful normality. Of course, I spent it completely over thinking my lack of guilt, but outside is my head, everything was as it should be. Duke called me on Saturday night, even though he had only left our house that morning. Apparently he had just been completely ignoring his parents, saying only what he had to. He thanked me yet again, but again I told him to shut up. Because I didn't really do much, Joe. It's not hard to listen to someone, to tell them everything will be okay.

Blue also called me this weekend. She really is lovely, Joe. I did, in fact, end up telling her about Duke staying over. God, I don't think I've ever been so fucking nervous to tell a girl something in my whole life. I was terrified.

"So what did you do this weekend then?" Blue asked. I sighed. Shit, I was gonna have to tell her. But I know she hates them. Well, I do too, but just not Duke. He's funny and sweet and now I sound like a girl. Fuck. Long story short, he's fun to hang out with, once he stopped crying.

"Um, Saturday and Sunday I didn't do much." I said, dodging the awkward part of the question. I knew what I was doing of course. I just needed something before I told her.

"Okay, when you say it like that, it makes it perfectly obvious something happened on Friday, darling. And you sound kinda nervous." She laughed. "Which is definitely new, as the Cole I know doesn't like to show emotion all that much."

"I just really don't feel like getting yelled at." I sighed, faking my worry.

"I won't yell at you!" She exclaimed. "Promise." I rolled my eyes. I knew I would tell her, but making her promise first saved me so much shit afterwards.

"Okay, I would end up telling you anyway." I started. "On Friday night, Duke stayed over."

There was a few seconds of silence before I heard a few gasps of laughter. "Oh, Jesus. Duke Marks?" I nodded, but then remembered she couldn't see me, so replied with a "Yep."

"Oh dear Lord, this is amazing. Please, Please tell me you fucked him so hard he couldn't walk?" Blue laughed, sounding elated.

"Nope." I said, disappointed. "We kept it very PG, didn't even share a bed. Although fucking him sounds really good right now."

"Aw, I wanted to know how he was in the sack." She groaned. I laughed. "What? Just because I don't swing that way doesn't mean I can't be curious. So why did he stay over?"

I groaned. "He was upset."

"And he couldn't go to his leech of a girlfriend?"

"Nope. They broke up." I chuckled at her choice of words.

"Why? Why have I only found this out now? Sunday night? He stayed over on Friday. Come on, Cole. I'm disappointed."

"They broke up mainly because she told him he fancied me." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh my fucking God. This is amazing. The bitch got dumped." Blue laughed, and I could hear her bed creaking as she jumped up and down.

"Yeah, I was pretty happy." I informed her, grinning.

"Did you fuck him then?" She asked, happy.

"What is it with you and fucking?" I groaned. "No, I didn't you horny cow."

"I'm just curious. And maybe a little horny now you say it. I haven't got any in ages." Blue groaned, and I could imagine her frowning.

"You nun." I teased.

"Like you're any better. When was the last time you got laid?" She demanded.

I thought back to that night. I could practically taste the vodka as I spoke. "Two weeks ago."

"Aw, boo you. Who?"

"Some guy in a club." I smirked, remembering.

Blue groaned. "Next time you go clubbing" She demanded. "I'm fucking joining you."

And that was it, Joe. I was so terrified of that. God, she was more angry that she didn't get to watch me turn that guy gay for the night. That's what I mean when I said that you would love her, Joe. Because she was like Beth, but maybe a bit less away with the fairies. Blue has been a God send in this town. And now with Duke, well, I hate to say it, but he makes me happy. He is so different from you, Joey. Duke hasn't got ink on his skin, nor metal through his body. He isn't fighting the world, he's afraid of it. He doesn't hide his emotions, he wears them the same way you wore you're walls. Duke lets people in as soon as they ask, and it took me months to crack you're shell. Duke didn't push me to speak, and one time you threw me against a wall to find out what was wrong. And I like him. I do. I'm attracted to him, and I enjoy his company. But I am in love with you, Joey. And I'm bored of it, bored of being in love with someone who is gone. Bored of not having the ability to achieve closure.

"I've never stopped; I simply forgot that I love you. However, every time I look at you I'm reminded of how I can never stop loving you.”

Just tell me, Joey, tell me it's okay to move on. But you can't, can you? Because you left.

Cole