Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 6

Dear Joey,

I'm running out of things to tell you, Joey. Life here is boring. I know I said I wanted boring, but maybe not this boring. I guess when your try and avoid people it gets pretty lonely. I'm also is a sad, self pitying mood, determined to see the negative. So how about we think about things you've already experienced, yeah? Shall we start with the first time you told me you loved me?

I tucked my head into his chest as we lay on the couch, watching some crappy romance movie. He smelt just like he always did, a mixture of axe and fern, a scent that could almost make me swoon with happiness. He rubbed circles on my back, and hummed some stupid rock song I probably hated. "Cole?" Joey's voices drifted down to me. He sounded worried, which, in turn, made me worried.

"Hmmm?" I replied, sleepily. The movements of his hand on my back was sending me off to sleep quickly, so he better say what he wanted fast.

"We're, um, good right? Together I mean?" I sat up, sleepiness now non existent as I panicked over his answer.

"Of course we are good, Joe. Why, is something wrong?" I grabbed his face and forced him to look me in the eye. His grey met my hazel and he relaxed in my arms.

"No, I just wanted to check, before, um. Never mind." I punched his stomach.

"You can't just say that! You've got me all curious now. Tell me." Joey smiled.

"No."

"Joey." I warned.

"Cole." He teased.

"Joey." I repeated.

"Cole."

Joey."

"Cole."

"Joey!"

"I love you." He said so quickly I almost missed it. He loves me. A grin took over my face.

"I love you too." I grinned.

"Thank Jesus for that. Bloody hell that was terrifying." Joey smiled, relieved. His eyes were sparkling and his smile remained as he pressed his lips to my own.

Do you remember that, Joe? Did that hurt you as much as it hurt me? Does it make it better to forget that we ever happened? Because I can't, Joey. I can't forget, and I won't forget. We had good times, Joe. God, do you remember that time we told my mom we were together?

Joey's hands were shaking, and I placed my own over his to sooth him. We were sat at the kitchen table, anxiously awaiting my mom's arrival. "Chill." I breathed in his ear, and felt his shoulders slump. Trying to distract him, I pressed my lips to his neck, pressing kisses up to his jaw. I felt him shudder, and his grip tightened on my own. Pausing under his ear, I bit down slightly, sucking and licking away the sting. He groaned. I pulled away and looked proudly at the red mark that would surely bruise. Joey moaned and then hissed "If you keep on doing that, Cole, we will not be telling your mom today. We will be renting a hotel room and thoroughly annoying the other guests." I chuckled and leant away from him, proud to see him much more relaxed. That was the plan. I looked into his eyes, grinning at him guiltily. We were quickly snapped out of our trance when the front door slammed. I slipped off Joey's lap, and grabbed his hand again, refusing to let my nerves show. Mom walked in, heels in hand, and looked over at the pair of us, smiling. "Hey, boys, how you doing?" I nodded and grinned tightly, and Joey just stared directly ahead. Her grin dropped. "Okay, what the hell has happened?"

I pointed to the seat on the other side of the table. "Mom, you might want to sit down."

She did so, and frowned. "Jesus, that doesn't sound good." Joey sighed. "Just tell me, the suspense is killing me, Cole."

"Um, well, okay. Well, me and, uh, Joey" He stiffened beside me. "Have decided that, um, I mean, we are just," I gulped.

"Together." Joey finished, looking like he was about to throw up. Mom looked up at me seriously, and I shuddered. God, I needed her to be behind me on this. I mean, she knows I'm gay, but she loves me and Joey's friendship, so I don't know how she'll react to anything more. Jesus.

"Joey, Cole" Mom started, and I gulped. "I'm so fucking happy for you guys!" She exclaimed, jumping up. She threw her arms around the both of us, and squeezed tight. I let my body relax in relief, smiling happily into her. When mom pulled out, I mock glared at her. "You fucking scared me! I thought you were going to tell us to break up!" She grinned mischievously.

"I know, I wanted to watch you squirm. Especially, Joey. Oh, my boy, I thought you were going to be sick." Mom chuckled, and I lightly whacked her arm.

She got up and busied herself making dinner. I turned to look at Joey, grinning. He met my gaze and smiled, euphoria filling his eyes. He reached out and pressed his lips to the back of my hand. My heart swelled at the intensity of the gesture, and for once, I let my mind focus on nothing but this moment.

I remember that, Joe. We were so worried about her reaction. Why, I'm not quite sure. Mom has always been okay with everything I do. I mean, bloody hell, I cover my body with ink and piercings and she barely bats an eyelid. We were ridiculous, Joey.

But we were good at that, darling. We were good at blowing things out of proportion, making small things into big deals. I could turn a single look into a day of worry or happiness. It was strange, how I remember things with a rose tint. It's sad, and strange, but it works for me. I would rather remember fondly than forget unwillingly. I remember everything. The way you would look down at me, sweat glistening on your brow and your breath coming out in short pants. How you would ran your hands through my hair and smile sweetly at me. How you would point at people dancing and scoff at how ridiculous they are, and laugh into my neck. I remember everything, Joey. And I don't know whether it's a good thing or not.

"Memory was a curse, yes, he thought, but it was also the greatest gift. Because if you lost memory you lost everything."

I miss you. Memories aren't the same.

Cole.