Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 37

Dear Joey,

I'm happy.

I feel as if I don't need to write anything more in this letter, that it would be a waste of words to try and justify how I'm feeling.

However, because it would also be a waste of paper not do so, I suppose I must indulge myself in writing the details of my happiness.

Duke. One word, many thoughts.

He is something, Joey. Really, he is. He's got me wrapped around his little finger, and he doesn't even know it. He thinks he's the only one besotted, the only one feeling intense things, scary things. But he's so wrong. In the rare occurrence that I'm not in his presence, he never leaves my thoughts. It's like he's tattooed on my eyelids, injected into my mind.

I don't know if I'd still be happy without him, because I don't ever intend to be without him. I don't know if he's made me generally happier, or if he is the though that makes me happy. I don't care, to be honest. I just don't want to be without him, ever.

I sound like some love sick teenage girl, I know. I sound pathetic, girly, dramatic. I sound like all the things you hated in a person; and I don't care.

I miss you, of course. It's impossible not to miss a dead loved one, it really is. In some ways, you got the better end of this deal, because I suppose where you are, at least you're not haunted. I am, I was, for so long. I didn't let myself be happy for months, wouldn't let my mind stray from you for more than a few minutes. 

But now, I fear its rather the same way with Duke. Except, obviously, I'm happy, and intend to stay that way. But I think of him all the time. I really do. But I can't bring myself to think that's a bad thing, because it feels so good.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I never feel things half heartedly. Everything I feel, I feel it one hundred percent. I throw myself into things with every single part of me. I feel with every cell in my body.

And right now, I feel something for Duke I haven't felt before.

I talked to Mom. She said no love is the same, just as two people are never the same. Said that what I felt for you and what I feel for Duke could be called the same, yet be completely different. And I agree. Just because I haven't felt like this before, doesn't mean I haven't felt before.

I am in love with him.

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

Cole

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This is one of my all time favourite quotes, so I had to use it :)