Not Quite Sure Yet

Chapter 19

Dear Joey,

R and Beth are more sneaky than I thought. I mean, R more than Beth. Did I tell you, that this is the reason she stopped texting me, with such a bullshit excuse. R had told her to quit it or else she would end up telling me they were coming, and its supposed to be a surprise. She denied it of course, but everybody knows Beth can't keep a secret to save her life. At home, we used to hide everything from her until the last minute. She hates it.

Not only did they organize accommodation and manage not to tell me about this visit, they even talked the school into letting them attend my lessons till Wednesday. They followed me round all Friday afternoon, and I'm not proud to say I did literally no work when sitting next to them. I'm sorry, but we had a lot to catch up on! Needless to say all the teachers looked more than a little freaked when I was accompanied with a small, platinum haired blond dressed in tight black clothes and killer heels, and a tall, skinny boy with dyed back hair and band t-shirts. We probably looked like a walking funeral, not a stitch of colour on any of us, with the exception of Beth's hair. A couple tried to protest, but Beth just smiled sweetly and shoved their note from the principal in their pissed off faces. It was brilliant.

I felt like me again, having them here. You know, the one who laughed and didn't give a flying fuck about what anyone thought. I like that guy. I've laughed and smiled more in the space of two days than I have for nine months. I mean sure, I got stared at more. I think people has assumed I moved schools cause I had no friends. Which is better than the actual reason. The thing is, if anyone tried, they would know that these two are the funniest people ever. Everybody would love them, along with me. However, Blue loves them too, even explaining how pissed off she was that Beth was straight and taken. R laughed at that one, saying she should just take her. Beth whacked him so hard for that one. But it would probably get boring if I was to just recall conversations we had over the weekend to you. Not that the rest of these letters are at all exciting, but it would be even more boring than usual.

Monday was the same, even after the weekend we never ran out of things to talk about. We generally avoided the subject of you, Joe, and I'm sorry about that. But the thing is, Beth can't handle it. She really can't. We went out to lunch on Saturday, and our waiter introduced himself as Joe. Me and R exchanged a quick look, but Beth was nearly crying, Joey. She ran out of the booth and into the bathroom without saying a word to any of us. I think the poor guy was wondering what he had done to make her cry so bad. It hurt me, Joey, to think she is not coping with you being dead. It sucks, because shes never going to get you back. Sadly, this is it. This is how it will always be. This is me, and this us.

R, however, seems to be handling it well. God, he wont stop fucking teasing me about Duke. The thing is, I'm super attracted to Duke, sure, but he's Duke. I don't know what it is. Maybe its the way he seems annoyed at himself when I catch him staring, or proud of himself when he obviously doesn't care that everybody is looking at him. I don't know, but I'm finding it harder to stop looking at him. I mean, God Joe, hes so fucking hot. Blue eyes, blond hair, flawless skin, whats there not to like? I find my perverted mind creating more and more extravagantly dirty scenarios, and I fucking love them. The nightmares have near to vanished, achingly unrealistic fantasies taking there place. I don't remember this with you, Joey. I don't remember feeling like such a fucking teenage girl. Its like I'm obsessed, and I cant decide if I hate it. I sure hate it when R teases me about it, saying I have Duke wrapped around my little finger. The thing is, it feels the other way around. It feels like my life revolves around the hour long phone calls we have. You always hated talking on the phone, you used to say it made you sound like a robot.

Is this what it feels like to fall for someone again? The thing is, am I ready? Because I'm not quite sure yet. I'm not sure if I'm ready to fall, or ready to let you go.

But I want to be. I want to be ready to let him in.

"You will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast."

Cole.