Lights Will Guide You Home

Raelynn

They’re lying. She’s not dead. I kept telling myself that.

I was speeding down the highway, my mind not on the road. It’s not true. It’s all a lie. I didn’t believe anything they said. She’s still alive. She’s perfectly fine.

“I’m sorry Raelynn. Your mother had a heart attack this morning, and she passed away. I’m very sorry.”

Why would anyone say something like that? She isn’t dead. Anger was building up inside me. She’s fine. She was perfectly fine when I called her two days ago. She was happy and she said she was doing well. It’s not true. It’s not true! She’s not dead! And if she is, how dare she leave me! It’s not fair! …it’s not fair.

And then I broke down.

I stopped my car by the side of the road. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” I shouted before I burst into tears. Pain. That’s all I felt. Just two days ago she was absolutely fine, and today she dies. It hurt real bad. “Why?” I cried. I hadn’t seen her for more than a year. My heart yearned for her. I longed to hear her voice. “Take care, Rae. Love you.” Those were the last words she had said to me. I wanted to see her again. I wanted to feel her arms wrapped around me. I just wanted my mum. But she was gone.

Then the guilt came flooding in. what had I done for her? All those years she was alone after my dad left. Had I really been there for her? Is she proud of what I am today? Regrets about all the things I shouldn’t have said and shouldn’t have done. It was also my fault I hadn’t seen her for over a year. I’m the one who left Barrington. I’m the one who left her. I’m the one who hadn’t visited her. I’m the one who had left her all alone. Had I done enough to thank her for all she had done for me? It was too much to take. Too much pain and guilt to deal with.

It took me a lot of time to get back on track. I wiped away all the tears with a tissue and took a deep breath. I needed to get to Barrington and I had already lost a lot of time. “Take one step at a time,” I told myself, trying to calm down. I started the car and got back on the highway. All the details of the funeral were being taken care of. All I had to do was get there.

Driving again, thoughts about my past kept playing in my head. I thought we had been a perfectly happy family until that day. I was eight then. I had just got back from school. I ran up to my house very excited and when I went in I shouted, “Mum, mum! You won’t believe what happened today at….” I stopped. My mum and dad were standing in the living room with very unpleasant looks on their faces. I don’t remember what I was so excited about. My mum looked at me and started crying. My dad looked angry and I was scared. I just stood there frozen.

“Forget me. Doesn’t Raelynn mean anything to you? She’s your daughter. Don’t do this to her.” My mum pleaded.

“I don’t care about you and I don’t care about the child!” my father shouted.

Tears started streaming down my face.

“She’s your child too!” my mum shouted back. She looked really angry.

“She doesn’t deserve to be my child and you don’t deserve to be my wife! Her face disgusts me; I can’t stand to look at her. I never wanted you or her. This is not the life I wanted!” he yelled so loud.

“You have absolutely no right to say anything like that to her! Say what you want to me but do not say a word about her! You think you can just make us think you actually loved us and then throw away all our dreams just like that? You think that after all we’ve been through you can just decide to leave?! You think you can just say all that shit about my daughter? Who do you think you are?! You’re right, she doesn’t deserve a father like you, she deserves much better. I don’t give a shit about what you do with your life but here on you better stay out of our lives. Now get the hell out of my house!”

I had never seen my mum explode like that. My dad couldn’t say anything after that. He just picked up his coat and left. After that day, we never saw him again.

As strong as my mother seemed when she kicked out my father, she was really broken. It took her a lot of time to recover. She eventually forgave him and said it was for the best. But the hatred towards him grew in my heart every day, especially the nights when I found my mother looking at old pictures and crying. But she taught me to be strong and brave and take one step at a time. She taught me it’s okay to cry and let it all out. I really loved my mum and I was very inspired by the way she led the rest of her life without my father – with a brave heart and independently. She was the only one I had had left in my family. And now she was gone too. I had no family. I was left with nothing with pain and guilt.