ADRONITIS (II) : tmr minho

12: I could be Aware

Ella 12

She appears to be asleep, but I don't know how much I am willing to let myself take what she presents as reality. Lying there, still and peaceful. She looks like a trap, luring everyone in. If I wasn't aware (or at this point, gone describes my situation better), I might find myself circling in. It wouldn't surprise me if one of the Med-jacks fell in her whole.

A specific one, actually.

Not that I'm keeping score. I don't want anyone to fall prey to Teresa. Maybe if Thomas sees her again, he'll fall straight back into her icy hold. He did it once before, so I wouldn't be surprised if he did again. I don't like it, at least not as much as I want to.

Her eyes are blue, but ones that are unwelcoming. Both Dawn and Michelle have blue eyes, but there's a different. Dawn's eyes shine, and are sleet. They are a soft baby blue. In contrast, Michelle's eyes scream. Electricity blazes, like fire to match her hair. They are strong-willed and resilient.

Teresa's eyes are hollow. More grey than blue, and yet more white than grey, they are empty. The more I live, the more I realise the absence of colour matters just as much as the existence of colour. Nothing exists behind her eyes, and therefore nothing of her exists. I don't trust her. I don't trust this.

"Are you awake in there?"

I turn to see Clint standing in the doorway, with Jeff standing slightly behind him. Though Clint stares me down, Jeff's head is turned away. He doesn't seem to be able to look at me, as he fiddles with the pockets on his side.

My knees curl up into a ball, as I stare down Clint. He sees me often, and talks to me often, but Leo's absence is somehow upsetting and I wish to be out of this room.

"Listen," he steps in the door, and Jeff continues to cower further back. Almost a shadow to the other boy's movements. Clint continues to move closer to me until he is able to shut the door firmly. "I think I know why you remember."

I know why I remember. When we were escaping, when we were in the dark room, when we were alone, I shot them all. Then, no one was left awake, so I had to do it to myself. Only, my aim was off. Only, the thing I shot into my skull was shot at an angle. Until it is straightened, it can't have complete control over me.

And I'd like to keep it that way, but judging by the way this dialogue is headed, I don't think that is what Clint is intending.

"You can hear me," he can see it in the way my face is flinching, I bet. When he comes closer, I don't know what to do except jump off the bed, to the other side, away from him. I can't over-power him, and he's the kind of guy who once something has gotten in his head, there is no stopping him. "Have you figured out about the chip?"

Swipe.

I hear the beginning to a conversation I've heard before.

I walk in the room, to finally face him. Not entirely sure if I am going to dangle my plan in his face, or fight him, or what.

"So you've heard I'm leaving?"

He knows I wouldn't come to talk to him again, after our last fight. It's been almost a year since we last spoke. Then, we argued about the Beetle Blades. "I wouldn't come except to say good-bye."

"Didn't think you'd want to say good-bye." He chuckles, his dark brown hair is swept back meticulously.

I didn't. I don't. I want to tell him we are going up. I want to rub it in his face. "Paige is going to give you the Swipe."

He is surprised that I cut right to the chase. He shakes his head at me. "I already have it implanted in my head, as part of the trial. I guess you won't, at this rate. They're sending up Rachel as the last member of Group B. The eight of you won't go up."

We will go up, because they will be forced to duplicate our actions. They can't have one trial differ from the other.

"She's going to turn it on," I correct. "She isn't going to let you live with that thing in your head, with everything that matters to you intact. Her goal is to strip you of everything.."

He seems slightly taken aback, like he doesn't believe me. I don't believe him, so it's a wonder he is surprised.

"She said I could go in without the Swipe." He shakes his head out of disagreement. "I even got her to agree to it."

I tune back in, and Clint is holding on to my wrist, behind my back. He put me down on the mattress. It is difficult to breathe with the sheets in my mouth. It is hard to breathe with him hanging over me like this. My chest is heaving.

I roll onto my back, so he can't access the base of my neck. He can't cut me open if I don't let him.

"Ella, please," he begins, looking at me. "I am going to stop your seizures once and for all. Isn't that what you want?"

I look over to Jeff, but he stands still and complacent. Clint doesn't want to fight me. He simply wants this to be easy.

"If you put it in properly, I'll forget all of it," I tell him, actually finding the will to speak. "I'll lose my memories of Thomas, and Teresa, and everybody else."

Clint lets go of me, sitting up.

He just let go. I slowly find myself sitting up, so that I match him in height. His face lies just in front of mine, and he stares at me as he speaks.

"Listen Ella, I don't want to hurt you," he sighs, looking over at me. "I'm not trying to move it to the right spot. I want to see if I can take it out."

It's not going to be that easy. It's connected to my own brain. It's not something you can just take in and out like a sliver. Which is why I back further away from him, towards the door.

"You can't even try," I tell him. I don't need the Creators to control me for me to try and get him to fight off. "This is a bad idea."

Once I get to the door, Jeff blocks me. He swiftly moves me to the bed, holds my arms down as Clint lifts the sleeve and punctures me with a needle. There is no use in fighting now. He tosses the needle in the trash.

"I'm sorry, but this needs to happen," he tells me plain and simply.

My feet give way beneath me. The floor is closing in around me. Clint is not going to be able to remove the Swipe. He's going to kill me trying, or realign it. Either way, I will forget the Violet girl.

So, I cling to her with every possible thought as I succumb to the unconscious agony of operation.

~~~~~~~

Ella deserves better. What do you think is up for her next? What do you think of Clint?

I'll see you soon in Leo and All the Important Things.