ADRONITIS (II) : tmr minho

We should be who we once were

Leo

Jeff can tell I'm being weird. Not that I'm upset anymore, but that there isn't any emotion passing through me. A numbness occupying my fingers and hands and bones. He leans against me, long after our shift is over, and ignores Clint as he calls for him. I don't know what else I expect him to do. Honestly, I don't know what I expect of me.

"You think she'll wake up," I say, after we sit in silence for a while, since I don't want to talk about anything else.

"Ella?" He tries to clarify. "Or Teresa?"

"Teresa," I'm a bit confused by his words, but I don't ask him to clarify. Ella has been up and a bout the pass few days. It seems as though he means metaphorically, since she exists in a groggy and incohesive state.

"Maybe," he shrugs. "The longer it takes, the less likely though."

Dawn peeks in through the doorway. I can feel the air in the room get lighter, as Jeff smiles. I'm a bit of a downer, but she fills the space in amazing ways. I try not to think about how I have let myself down, although it is hard.

"Can you give us a second alone?" She asks him.

Jeff gives her an odd look, so she clarifies. "Unless you really want to here the ins and outs of the menstrual cycle."

At this, Jeff stands up rather quickly and leaves the room. Dawn laughs at his panic, moving closer to me. She sits on the same bed as me, trying to smile, but ultimately failing.

"Do you want to talk about last night?" She asks, her voice soft. So, she lied to Jeff. Not that I expected anything different. She seems worried about me.

I shrug. I'm mostly embarrassed about the whole thing. "It's complicated."

"Well, though I'm a bit jittery, I'll manage to stay put for the whole story." She doesn't give me the option not to tell her.

I must tell her what's happening. There is no 'or else' and no begging. This is not even a binary system. I have to tell her.

"I guess, I think I have a stress problem," I tell her, beginning the story.

"Yeah, we've noticed," she tells me carefully. "You seem stressed all the time."

She knows about the trouble I've been having regarding eating, since I get nauseous a lot, so I don't know exactly where to go from here. "Are you still having nightmares?" It's easier to talk about her.

She nods, looking forward. "Sometimes, but I know what's in my head isn't what's happening. I know that it's my brain tricking me."

I guess that's a way to put it. Lately, I've just felt like Newt and I could never be friends again, which might be the problem, and like Dawn is just so much better than me. With her here on the ground with me, the thought feels less concrete. It slips away for a few seconds. Sometimes I get lost in the ideas buzzing around my head.

"You know we all are here for you, if you need anything?" She asks, continuing. She doesn't elaborate on who we are. "You aren't going to hurt yourself, right?"

"I wouldn't," realistically, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. There are people here who need me. There are more things I need to do. Life is more than this moment. Sometimes, I just need to breathe.

"I'm glad," she seems content with the answer. She looks down at her hands, before looking up at me. "Newt told me what happened."

That's why she's noticed. Not that I mind, I'm just surprised Newt said anything about it. I didn't think he would tell Dawn, even though he knows her. I don't think even Minho knows that Newt likes boys.