Confessions

84 "Closure"

Post taken from//Fb page: De La Salle University - Dasmariñas Secret Files

CLOSURE

I've been in an on-and-off relationship with this douche for three years. Sa loob ng dalawang taon na 'yon, hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses niya ako niloko, ilang beses siya nagsinungaling at nakipag-talik sa iba't ibang babae. I know how stupid I was, and I regret giving him the assurance that he could come back to me whenever he pleases. Ilang beses ko din pinatawad ang mokong, at ilang beses din ako nagbulag-bulagan at nagkunwari na wala siyang ginagawang kalokohan. I've been miserable, pero, anong magagawa ko? Sobra ko siyang minahal.

So, after our so-called break up, we lost our communication. After a week, nakahanap na agad ang gago. Ang galing, 'diba? Sobrang nasaktan ang lola niyo. Syempre, I gave him almost everything, tapos, iyon ang isusukli niya?!?!! I had a hard time moving on from him 'cause we never really had a proper closure. Through text lang kasi ako nakipag-hiwalay sa kanya, and all he said was ""If that's what you want, fine. Sorry."" If he just explained himself, hindi ako mahihirapan ng sobra. Hindi ako nagka-boyfriend after him, kasi natatakot na ako na baka mangyari lang uli sa akin 'yon, and I never want to make myself believe na may mahal na akong iba, kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na siya pa rin. Kahit gago 'yon, minahal ko ng totoo at buong-buo.

After a year, nagulat na lang ako kasi bigla siyang nag-message uli. I ignored his message, but he's persistent. Araw-araw siyang nag-message at araw-araw ko din naman inignore messages niya, until after a week. Nag-reply na ako.

Me: "Ano na naman bang kailangan mo??!!"
Him: "I'm just checking if you're alright. It's been a year and ang tagal na nating hindi nag-uusap."
Me: "I'm doing just fine, kaya pwede ba tigilan mo na ako. Stop bothering me!"

Then, I ignored his reply once more. Until, he asked me if I'm free to go out. He said he wants to see me again. Una agad pumasok sa isip ko na this might be the time na makakakuha ako ng closure from him and not to get back with him. Quota na ako sa panggagago ng hayop na 'yan. But, I never agreed to meet up with him. May girlfriend siya, and I don't want to ruin their relationship like how she did with mine. This is how our conversation went:

Him: "Pwede ka ba bukas? I really want to see you."
Me: "Kung may sasabihin ka, diretsuhin mo na ako dito sa chat. Hindi 'yung makikipagkita ka sa'kin."
Him: "Mas maganda kung sa personal tayo mag-usap. Hindi naman malalaman ng girlfriend ko."
Me: "GAGO KA BA?"
Me: "Mali. GAGO KA TALAGA!"
Him: "Please? Pumayag ka na, kahit saglit lang."
Him: "Hindi niya malalaman, promise! Hindi naman natin sasabihin. Tayong dalawa lang makaka-alam."

That night, iritang-irita talaga ako sa kanya. He's doing it, again. But, I don't care. Sabi nga nila, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." He messaged me a lot of times that night. Pinipilit niya ako makipagkita sa kanya, pero, inignore ko na lang lahat ng messages niya after that.

I came to a conclusion na he will NEVER change, and I will never get the closure and sincere apology from him. I gave myself the closure that I needed by talking to him. Nakaka-siguro ako na if I agreed to meet up with him, gagawin niya akong isa sa mga babae niya, and why the hell would I agree to that set up? Hindi na ako pwedeng magpaka-tanga sa kanya. I don't want him to toy with me and my feelings. Never again. He's someone who doesn't deserve to be given a chance after wasting all of his chances in the past to change and be better. This time, I will forget about him and heal completely na hindi ko nagawa dati, since, there was a part of me na iniisip na magbabago siya and he would apologize sincerely for the things he did. But, seeing how he acted as if nothing happened and messages me after a year, hindi na siya magbabago.

Gusto ko lang i-share itong story ko to make the people in the same situation as I was to stop holding on to people that treated you like trash. Closure might have a vital role in letting you heal and move on, pero kung hindi niyo makukuha sa taong nakasakit sa inyo, then, why not give the closure yourselves? Alam ko na hindi madali, but, if that's the only thing that's holding you back from loving someone, then, do something. Humingi ka ng tawad sa sarili my from keeping yourself unhappy all this time. Don't wait for someone to make you happy; create happiness yourself. Let yourself be free.

PS. I'm really sorry for the offensive words. Sobra lang talagang nasaktan ang lola niyo. Some would really understand me, and some may not.

Lee Ni Hwang
College of Tourism and Hospitality Management
(CTHM) 2014