Weathered Love

ORIENTATION

When I awoke the next morning, Ivan was still there, still holding me, maybe even tighter than he had the night before. I was definitely feeling guilty. Guilty of pushing everyone away, pushing everyone out of my heart, internalizing my pain and turning it into a bitter grudge.

I looked at Ivan. Even in his sleep, he looked worried. I lightly pushed a curl away from his face and his eyes fluttered, but he didn't open them. I scolded myself for hurting him the way I did. He'd been nothing but an amazing and supportive friend. I'd been nothing but self-absorbed and hurtful.

I knew I needed help. I knew that it would probably be a good idea to talk to Dr. Peters. I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Not yet. Not at that moment. In that moment, I was still convinced I could get out of this on my own. I promised myself I'd make myself better. "I'm sorry," I whispered to Ivan's unconscious body.

"For what?" he responded. He was awake. For how long, I don't know. But I was glad I only vocalized the apology.

"You're a jerk," I whispered with a wide grin on my face. Ivan opened his eyes, looked at me, and pulled me in closer for a hug. "You might want to go to your room and change before we start Orientation," I informed him.

He sat up and shrugged. "Meh," was all he responded. He sniffed his shirt. "Clean enough," he added. "Breakfast?" he asked hopefully. I was about to refuse and then bit my lower lip to keep myself from giving him my instinctive response. "I won't make you eat Nutella pancakes or anything," he said. "Maybe a grapefruit?" he offered hopefully.

I was about to refuse and again I had to stop myself. Didn't I just promise myself that I was going to try to get better? That I was going to stop hurting myself in a way that hurt Ivan too? "Half a grapefruit," I countered.

"Good enough," Ivan quickly stood up. The mere sight of his speedy ascent made me feel a little dizzy. "But, you have to eat the entire thing. I don't care if we miss Orientation for it." I nodded. It was the least I could do. I struggled to get into a seated position on my bed, then struggled further to get off the bed. Ivan watched, holding out his hands in case I fell.

"I do need to change. Unlike you, I feel gross going out in the clothes I slept in," I informed him. He didn't move. "At least turn around," I said. He conceded, giving me his back so I could change.

I did it as quickly as I could, but it seemed like no matter how much my brain willed it, my body refused to move at anything faster than a snail's pace. I felt my muscles struggle to move, I felt the heaviness of the seriously oversized clothes as they draped my body. I barely had time to buy clothes to fit my new physique, and instead opted for some shorts and sweatpants from the school bookstore.

"OK," I said once I had finally finished. Ivan turned back around and gave me his arm so I could hold onto the crook of his elbow.

Just then, Hannah came in. "Ooh, sleepover!" she teased once she noticed that Ivan and I were there.

"No, nothing like that," I defended.

"Honey, Ivan's wearing the same clothes from yesterday. He definitely spent the night," Hannah commented. "Don't worry, I clearly didn't spend the night here, although maybe you two didn't notice," she added, her last statement seeming a little passive-aggressive. She seemed offended we didn't ask her where she'd been all night.

"We noticed," I lied. "But I figured you spent the night with some of the drama kids or something. You guys really hit it off yesterday," I laid it on thickly.

"Yeah, we really did!" Hannah excitedly responded, her previous aggression completely gone. "Where are you headed to?" she asked.

"Breakfast," Ivan informed her.