Weathered Love

NUMB

It was two weeks into the semester. Grayson and I spent so much time together on account of the fact that I was bunking with him and Ivan. I spent most nights on Grayson's bed, but I tried to make sure I didn't get too attached to Grayson too quickly. This was a too good to be true flirtation that was blossoming, and I wanted to make sure it lasted as long as possible. I had to play it cool.

"So, where do you want to go tonight?" Grayson asked once he entered the room. Ivan and I were sitting on the floor of the room, finishing up some online homework for our Statistics class.

"No can do tonight, babe," I answered as coolly as possible. "The professor has us sending in weeks' worth of homework in one night. We need to get this done. You're welcome to join in and help us if you'd like," I offered.

"Tempting," Grayson joked, giving me his unworldly smile. "But I'll pass. I'm going to head out then," he announced. "Maybe find some food. Do you guys want anything?" he offered.

"I'm good," I responded. I was still battling the inner demon that had sprung to life when Hannah commented on my weight. Even though I hadn't seen nor heard from her since that day, I was constantly reminded of it when I sat down and noticed the rolls forming on my stomach, or when I put on my skinny clothes and they wouldn't fit, or when I actually finished a meal I could never finish when I was at my lowest weight.

"Where are you going?" Ivan asked, giving me a sideways look. I'd forgotten that he had been with me all day. He knew how little I was eating.

"I'll text you when I get there. I figured I'd just wander around until I find something that looks good," Grayson informed Ivan.

"Alright, sounds good," Ivan responded. Grayson took his coat and left. "You're doing it again," Ivan commented to me half a minute after Grayson left.

I sighed. "Yeah," was all I had the energy to say.

"Hannah's an idiot," Ivan assured me. I let out a sad chuckle.

"She's not wrong," I quietly mumbled.

"She is wrong," Ivan angrily insisted. "Why do you care what she thinks anyway? Do you see the guy you're dating? I know why you're dating him by the way. I see the resemblance. I just hope you're not holding him up to a standard not even the original Caleb could live up to," Ivan explained. "But, in any case, he asked you out without needing any convincing or coaxing from anyone. Because you're attractive. So stop being so self-critical. Enjoy who you are for a change. The rest of us do."

I smiled at Ivan. "Sure," I gave in. "What did you get for Question 11?"

* * *

"Come on," Grayson pleaded. It was later that night and we were cuddling on his bed. Ivan was sound asleep on his.

"I'm not ready," I insisted. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time we had had this conversation, and the more Grayson tried to convince me to sleep with him, the more I suspected he only asked me out because he thought I'd be an easy lay. And if I didn't have self-esteem issues before, I definitely did now.

"When will you be ready?" Grayson impatiently questioned.

"Grayson, I'm a virgin," I blurted out.

"So?" Grayson countered.

"So, I want to stay that way. Until..." I trailed off. I wasn't stupid. I knew how antiquated my values were. But I held fast to them. Because I truly believed them. And despite seeking approval from men at every turn, I would have rather died a lonely virgin than ever be loved by a man because I gave away my virginity before marriage.

"Don't tell me you need a ring on that finger," Grayson scoffed.

"Well, yeah," I responded, feeling a little embarrassed. Saying it out loud was always a struggle. Even moreso now that I was in college and it was expected that I would sleep around.