Weathered Love

DEFENSE

"I thought you didn't want to be with anyone unless you were sure he was 'the one'," Ivan stated the next morning. He had seen the spontaneous kiss between Jason and I.

"It's not like we're dating," I defended. I looked to Ivan, who looked disappointed. I left the basement and walked up to my room, not having the energy to deal with Ivan's judgment that morning. I didn't try to run away, but I also noticed that Ivan wasn't rushing to follow me either. I went into my room and locked the door. I needed some privacy.

I knew why I didn't push Jason off. I was upset. I was still feeling the loss of my grandfather and felt the need to seize every moment. I was also extremely angry with Caleb and hadn't given myself time to process what had happened there. And I just wanted to feel desired. Not necessarily loved - that took too much time and energy. But feeling desired was easier. And faster.

There was a knock at my door. I opened it up and allowed Catrin in. "Hey," she stated, making herself comfortable on my bed.

"Hey," I responded, sitting next to her and cautiously conversing with her.

"I saw you and Jason last night," she started.

I sighed. "Did Ivan send you here?" I immediately assumed.

"No, but I imagine he and I have the same concerns," she started.

"It was just a kiss," I pointed out.

"I know to you it was," she continued.

"Trust me, he's not over you. It was just a kiss to him as well," I tried to kindly point out, but Ivan had used up my day's supply of diplomacy.

"Just be careful. I thought Jason only saw me as something casual too, but it meant more to him, so I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. I know you're not the type to use someone regardless of their feelings, but Jason isn't always so forthcoming about his feelings," she pointed out.

"Cat, I appreciate the advice, but I'm just not in the mood right now," I stated, again, trying to be as polite as possible.

"I'll go then," she offered, getting up and leaving my room, and even giving me the courtesy of closing my door for me.

My blood started to boil. Who was Ivan to try to control my love life? And who was Cat to tell me not to do something that she herself did? Were they trying to protect me or Jason? Were they worried Jason would wake up one day and reject me because of how repulsive I obviously was to everyone but him in that moment?

I took a few deep breaths, then left the house as quietly as I could so no one would know I was gone until they saw my empty room. I left my phone in my room as well. I needed real privacy. I took a small notebook that fit in the pocket of my shorts and walked to a place where I could rent a bike and ride along the shore. I had brought just enough money to rent the bike for the entire day.

I rode up and down the boardwalk, trying to process the thoughts and feelings I was suppressing over the past few days. I started with trying to process how I really felt about my grandfather's death. I was sad, and still feeling guilty that I wasn't more torn up about this. And I was also angry that I didn't feel more upset about it. I would get more choked up about the death of a fictional character than I did over him. I was so disappointed in myself.

And then stupid Caleb. Did he really want to make amends? I had been obsessively checking my messages on social media to see if he ever responded. If he wanted to make things right between us, he definitely didn't want it that badly, since he barely made an effort. For all I knew, he had accidentally requested to connect with me and hadn't even realized the mistake until I messaged him about it. Maybe he was relieved I'd rejected the connection request.