Weathered Love

VOID

The flight landed with a thud. I had kept my eyes trained on the clouds outside for the entire, 5-hour flight. It kept me from randomly crying in front of all of these strangers. I felt like a zombie getting off that plane. I kept my focus trained on the floor, not daring to make eye contact with anyone, not daring to see sympathy or questioning or any other emotion in anyone's expression, whether friend or stranger. I just wanted to get off that plane and yet, I didn't know where I'd go.

I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go to Ivan's house. He wouldn't be there. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and let the earth swallow me whole. I kept my focus so trained on not crying that I didn't even realize we'd gotten to the airport exit until I heard someone call my name. I looked up to see my family waiting for us.

Ella ran up to me and hugged me tightly. She had been crying, but her tears had dried. She was being strong for me. I gratefully returned the hug. My parents then approached Ivan's parents, and what happened next has been forever seared in my memory: Mr. Hansen absolutely broke down in my father's arms.

The man who came into the hospital demanding answers and blood, the strong silent type who barely ever said more than two words to anyone, the one who managed to keep it together throughout this whole ordeal and didn't appear to have shed a single tear, just lost it when my father offered him the shoulder he needed to cry on. I began to feel the tears again and I turned away from the sight, feeling my chest tighten and feeling the guilt over, yet again, being so upset when I didn't have the right to be as upset as this pillar of a man was.

"Hey, Ivy, I need to go back in and arrange for the... um... the casket to be transported-" Nick began, and I noticed tears in his eyes. I wasn't sure if it was over Ivan or his father, but he was struggling to keep it together.

"I'll help you out," I offered. I turned to Ella. "I'll come back with Nick." She nodded in understanding. They piled all the housemates into my family's and the Hansens' car and left. Nick and I went back into the airport to make sure Ivan's body would make it to the right funeral home. They even agreed to let us ride in the hearse that was arranged to pick him up.

We waited outside in complete silence. "Do you still smoke?" I finally asked.

"Yeah," Nick replied in defeat. "Ivan, if you're watching, don't kill me," he muttered, and I smiled to myself as Nick reached into his pocket, pulled out a nearly fresh pack, and held it out to me. He knew why I had asked. All that time being good, despite temptations here and there, all down the drain. But I didn't care in that moment. I figured, I'd buy my own pack later on, using my fake ID. Nick lit the cigarette for me, and I felt the familiar calm wash over me. I took in another drag, too deeply that time, but I didn't care.

As I coughed it out, I took another drag, not wanting to give my mouth anything else to do except smoke. I wanted to burn my lungs so badly that I wouldn't be able to feel the tightness in my chest. I wanted to replace the blood in my veins with nicotine so that I could always feel this calm. I wanted to speed up my own death, so that I wouldn't feel anymore.

"Calm down," Nick muttered. "Don't make me regret this again."

"Sorry," I mumbled, slowing down only because I didn't want to add to the barrage of emotions Nick was undoubtedly feeling. "Hey, I don't know if this has all been arranged, but if not, can I be a pallbearer?" I asked.

Nick gave me a sideways smirk as he kept his fixed on the road ahead of him, not wanting to miss the hearse when it came. "I don't think Ivan would have it any other way."

I took in a shaky breath. "This sucks," I proclaimed.

"Yeah, it does," Nick agreed.

"Of all people..." I sighed. "He was too good for this world anyway," I tried to reason.