Weathered Love

CONFRONT

"Ugh, if I eat another bite, I'm going to puke," Hannah commented. "Ivy, you need to get worse at cooking. I'm so glad we're not roommates anymore. I'd be humongous if we were."

I smiled at the compliment and noted the nods of agreement around the table. "Thanks guys," I murmured. I looked down at my still full plate.

"Please don't tell me you poisoned the food, and that's why you're not eating," Lee stated.

"No poison this time. I couldn't figure out a way to mask the taste," I teased. "I'm just not that hungry."

"She wasn't feeling great earlier," Andrew added.

"So you laced the food with biohazards instead," Lorenzo stated.

I laughed at the comment. "Only your portion," I quibbed. "I wasn't feeling well as in light-headed and a little sleepy, not as in I'm so sick I'm going to get the flu virus or a stomach virus in the food."

"You could take my room," Hannah offered, essentially letting me have my old room.

"I'll be fine. I'm just going to have some tea," I stated, getting up and heading to the kitchen. Andrew followed me. "I'm really fine," I tried to assure him. The truth was, I was still in my head about my weight. It came up less and less, but after seeing those pictures of myself last Thanksgiving, where I wasn't exactly skinny but looking trimmer than at that moment, and being confronted with food that would take me even further away from my ideal body, being surrounded by beautiful and thin people... I couldn't bring myself to eat.

I was also nervous about being back in the house without blaring music, alcohol, and too many bodies crammed into a college house to distract me from reminiscing.

"I know you're fine, but I'm not fine. Not without you," Andrew explained. I appreciated the attempt at easing my discomfort. "When do I get the grand tour?" he inquired.

"After my tea," I responded. "Do you want any?" I asked. Andrew shook his head. "Could you check if anyone else wants any?" I requested. Andrew nodded and left the kitchen to take down the caffeine orders, which gave me a moment alone in the kitchen.

I looked around, fondly remembering all the post-party breakfasts I made with Ivan hovering over my shoulder, needing to make an extra helping just for him. A tear escaped, but it didn't bring with it any heaving sobs or paralyzing sadness. It was just a lone tear. I remembered being lectured about not eating enough and all the coffees I made for the housemates. I sighed.

Was it too much to ask to go back to that time? Was it so impossible to ask God to turn back the clock so I wouldn't have to suffer that loss? Why was this pain necessary? Why was this loss necessary? Why was this emptiness necessary? And the worst part was, I couldn't enjoy my relationship with Andrew or the company of my other friends. Not completely. Not the way I used to. Because I was so hung up on the memories I'd never create with Ivan. It just didn't feel fair.

"Hey," I heard a gentle whisper as Andrew wrapped his arms around my waist. "You're not allowed to leave without me."

"I didn't leave. I've been here the whole time," I responded.

"Your mind hasn't stayed put," Andrew pointed out. "Where'd you go?"

"Just walking down memory lane," I sighed.

"Want to give me a tour of memory lane?" he offered. I smiled. He was giving me a safe place to reminisce without worrying I'd have to stay strong in case anyone saw me. He was being my rock in case I needed to fall apart. And he wanted to be all those things for me. He wanted to see my brokenness. Not so that he could fix it, not to manipulate me with it, but just so he could see all of me. I made all the hot beverages people had requested and, as promised, gave Andrew the grand tour, both physical and mental, of the house when I finished drinking my tea.