Weathered Love

DIARY II

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since I had an entry in here. There are so many things going on right now. Drew and I are engaged, and so are Derek and Karen! It's an exciting time, Karen and I are swapping information and tips we've picked up so far and, out of respect for us, Derek and Karen made sure to book a date after ours. I couldn't care less if they picked a date before us, but Karen insisted that we were the first to get engaged, and should therefore be the first to get married.

I'm sure she'll eat those words soon enough, since Drew and I are planning for a Fall wedding next year and it's barely the end of summer now. I know Karen wants a small and simple wedding, so she could plan one quickly and her and Derek could get married sooner. But she's trying to be a good friend. I really admire her. I know I wouldn't have waited for her just because she got engaged first. But then again, maybe that's because I wouldn't care if she did that to me. Maybe she'd care if I did that to her, so that's why she's not doing it.

I'm overthinking this anyway. So Drew and I have already booked everything. I'm so happy that Drew wanted a band too. While DJs can be fun, there's something about a live band that I enjoy. Maybe it's because I myself am a musician now.

Wow. I've never really thought of myself as a musician. As a writer? Possibly. But as a musician? Not at all. But here I am, singing for people online, actually amassing a following that's grown quite large, and even writing my own music. I never thought I'd get to this point. And I owe it all to Ivan. I still miss him. Each day gets a little better.

I was reading a story recently where the main character had essentially lost her whole family and was searching for something familiar - a little piece of anything that she could cling onto that reminded her of her past. Something that felt like home. And along the way, without realizing it, she meets people that become her new family. But what really got me is that one character tells her that, essentially, the pain of that loss won't ever go away. That void won't ever be filled. But bringing new people into your life is a way to share that love that you once gave to the person or people you lost. It was such a beautiful analogy that I'm basically completely butchering right now.

Ivan and grandpa will always be missed. Ivan moreso, I hate to admit, only because his passing was so sudden and unexpected. Grandpa was old and it was his time to quietly slip into the next life. Ivan was noisily and aggressively ripped from this world in a most gruesome way, completely unexpected, and completely unnecessary. I'm still angry at that driver. Even though that driver is now serving a prison sentence, it doesn't make things better. Ivan is still dead. My best friend is still gone. And I know I'm still very guarded. That loss is not something I want to experience twice.

But here I am, about to get married to someone who, while he doesn't have the same love I gave Ivan, he has the remaining pieces of my heart in his hands. And he's taking his sweet time putting it back together. He's making sure each piece, each fragment, each particle of dust, is perfectly fitted back together. What happens if I lose him? I know I should be enjoying our time together, but there are days where I'm scared to get that call again.

I know that working towards a good place isn't linear. I know I'll have days where I feel on top of the world and other days where everything just... sucks. But I just want to recover. I'm tired of the journey. I just want to get to the destination.

Funny enough, this reminds of a conversation I had with Ivan. He said to me that I keep trying to take shortcuts because I'm so impatient. That that's probably the reason why I became anorexic to begin with. Because the healthy route was taking too long and I just wanted to skip straight to being skinny. And now, I just want to be normal again. I don't want to be tragic anymore. I want to be at peace. I want to be happy. I want to be free of the demon that reminds how wholly unwhole I am. I want to quiet the voices that randomly pop into my mind to remind me how much I miss him. I want to stop the tears that come at the most inopportune times because I remember him and our friendship and I realize how I'll never have that same relationship with anyone else.

And even though I'm building something beautiful and irreplaceable with Drew, it's not the same thing. But then again, I know I won't be able to build what I have with Drew with anyone else. Oh God, I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak. I can't... I can't lose someone else I love. My heart won't be able to handle it. What if I lose everyone? What if I outlive all my loved ones? Each one of them is someone beautiful and unique and irreplaceable to me. What will I do if I become truly and completely alone in this world?

I'm paralyzed. I refuse to be the last one standing. But, what choice do I really have if I do? I'd like to think I'd adapt and move on, like the character in that story. Would I really have any other choice?

I think I've gone crazy, because I just went from sobbing to laughing uncontrollably. I started off this entry so happy and excited over weddings and new beginnings, and now I'm mourning losses and endings and irreversible separation. I think I've truly lost it. Well, here's to my sanity. I'm not sure I even really had any.