eyes closed~~rants

my heart's going agsksgakgsak

this is gonna get fluffy as hell because it's me talking about my girlfriend because it's 1:30am and i've got butterflies in my stomach just thinking about her

last weekend, i went to pride with my girlfriend. and she kissed me. that was our first kiss. and my first kiss ever (if you don't count that time when that kid in year 1 forcefully kissed me). i literally haven't stopped thinking about it. she kissed me in a public space. so people saw. but i haven't stopped wondering what it would be like to kiss her alone. with no one around. no one to judge us. just me and her. and us kissing. and cuddling. and being cute. nothing more. that would fill my heart with so much joy for so long i wouldn't be able to take it. i just want to sit alone with her, watching a movie that we won't pay attention to. and i want to cuddle her, kiss her, and play with her hair. and do all the fluffy stuff couples do which i haven't been able to do before in amy previous relationships because my partners have been horrible people who only care about showing off that they have a boyfriend. i have someone who cares about me. you don't understand how good of a feeling that is.

i want to take her on a date which is just a walk. we start at my house, and walk towards the countryside. we take in the fresh country air, as we hold hands down a quiet twisting lane. we find a field, an empty one. we sit on there and stargaze, and just think about how lucky we are to have each other in our presence. we talk about things that are bothering us, we share funny jokes, share funny stories. and we probably cry. but i want that. just to be raw with someone. to be so true to yourself around someone. i crave that. because i've never done it.

her hands are so gentle when she touches me. when she holds my hand, when she hugs me, or even when she makes fun of my chubby cheeks- something i only allow her to do. she makes sure that she's gentle, are caring, and loving. and is constantly looking out for signs that i'm uncomfortable. but i never show them. because why would i be uncomfortable around the best person currently in my life? why would i pull away from her when i just want to charge ahead.

i fucking love you mady
i hope you know that