eyes closed~~rants

2019

it's 2019 in 4 hours
and i know my year isn't going to start out great
no amount of "if you start this song at this time you'll hear this word at exactly midnight, start your new year right" posts are ever going to change that
i've been left home alone while my mum, dad, brother and sister all go to visit my mum's side of the family.
no one in my family likes me.
so i refused to go.
my dad was desperately trying to get me to go by saying he'd sit by me all night but i called him out on bullshit because that wouldn't happen.
he says that every time.
my whole family say that every time.
but i always end up sat next to a cousin or uncle who criticises the way i dress, the way i look, my friends, and the fact that i never leave the house, while i desperately try to hold back tears.
i don't leave the house because i'm depressed.
cause i'm scared of running into my family who will then continue to criticise me.
they think it's harmless because i kinda smile when they say it.
i do that to be polite.
because i'm scared.
it all comes down to me being scared.

it's 2019 in 3 hours.
every piece of hope i had left for tonight has completely gone.
none of my friends are answering my messages or talking to me.
they're all probably out at a party with their caring family.
keyword: caring.
i'm not saying my parents or siblings aren't caring.
they are, believe me.
it's just that i don't want to be put in a situation where they forget to care about me because they can talk to our family without getting insults thrown at them.
i feel so alone tonight.
new year is supposed to be spent with friends and family.
but what do i do if neither of them want to spend this time with me?
i've already cried too many times tonight.
i'm a mess.
each year i think i'm getting better but i'm just falling deeper and deeper into this hole.
people are decorating the hole so that it looks nice.
but at the end of the day, i'm stuck in a hole.

it's 2019 in 2 hours.
a few of my friends decided to talk but ultimately ignored me.
i tried hard to be included but they wouldn't allow it.
it made it seem like it was being they were playing a game that i didn't have.
i had the game.
we could've played together.
but they refused to listen when i stated this fact.
i watched all the videos of them talking and laughing with a tear in my eye.
i asked for one thing and they couldn't provide it.
i guess my presence isn't necessary here.
i guess no one truly needed me.
but does anyone truly need another person?
they do.
i'm just trying to say stuff which doesn't make sense in order to feel better.
i need my girlfriend and even she's ignoring me.
well not ignoring me per say,
it's more of she wants to talk about something else.
which i've got to respect.
i just wish someone would respect me.
not what they want to do or say.

it's 2019 in 1 hour.
me and my friend who had both been ignored began talking.
we didn't want to be left out any longer.
so we were petty.
it wasn't a great decision.
we decided to ignore our friends.
make sure they weren't included just like we were.
it's petty and horrible and mean but i'm petty, horrible and mean so i guess it makes sense.
people shouldn't expect any more or any less from me.
my friend and i are laughing.
we're smiling.
trying to fake our happiness.
she's going into 2019 happier than what i am i can vouch for that.
she doesn't care where the happiness comes from, but i do.
i just wish they would've given me that happiness when i first tried.
i'm falling apart but there's not much i can do about it.
i hold onto the little hope i've been given by this friend and hope it'll be enough to last me throughout the new year.
but maybe someone can turn a fake smile into a real one if you try hard enough.
if i smile enough times.
if i smile for long enough.
maybe i can actually turn this hollow regret into something worthwhile.
maybe not.
i'm probably grasping at straws again.
i've been doing that all night.
but no matter how many times i say i've ran out of hope,
there will always be a small thing which keeps me going.
i guess that's the message here.
as long as it exists, it's worthwhile.

it's 2019.
my head bangs as i hear the neighbours count down to the new year.
counting down to something that i know will inevitably be my downfall.
all of my friends type happy new year into the chat.
we wish each other a happy new year.
the stereotypical jokes are made;
"i haven't seen you since last year!"
"see you next year!"
"i haven't showered since last year!"
none of them give me that sense of happiness i was talking about earlier, but they exist.
i have no other way of describing it other than the fact that it exists.
everything around me exists whether i want it to or not.
everything happens and exists and has a purpose.
maybe that's what i need to bring into this new year.
things seem brighter than four hours ago.
but they're still not great.
i have a looming grey cloud hanging over my shoulder.
striking me with lightning every time i do something wrong.
i can pretend it's not there,
but everything happens and exists and has a purpose.
that's what i'm supposed to be preaching.
so my 'pretend it's not there' logic doesn't apply.
this is a long winded way of saying;
i don't know what's happening and why it's happening at any given time.
it just happens.
even if i don't want it to.
2019 will be shit.
i know that already.
and i'll probably be able to catch up with this book at the end of it just to confirm that i was right.
but i won't give up.
this whole post will probably make people scared.
scared that i'm going to give in.
but i won't do that.
i'm terrified of my own brain but i'm even more terrified of it not being there anymore.
everything happens and exists and has a purpose.