eyes closed~~rants

i'm tired and sad

i've never really been good at much throughout my life

i used to be a talented writer, writing at the level of a 13 year-old when i was 9

but i became a burn out

my writing isn't amazing it's just slightly better than average

i'm not getting any new york times best sellers any time soon

i just wish i had something i was good at

something that could take my mind off of things

my mind fucking hurts right now

like i'm mentally in so much pain

so i just wish i could idk make a massive art piece that subtly displays my emotions

but i can't

because i am painfully average

i'm okay at music i guess

i can play the keyboard pretty well

i picked it up quite fast

but i don't own one

and even if i did i couldn't play it because it's 11:50 and there's a baby next door

i tried reading but it was a novel that focuses on mental health so now i just feel like crying

i'm also kinda good at calligraphy

i made a bookmark for said book and it had calligraphy on it and it looked okay

but what would i even do with calligraphy?

it's more of a you do this for 5 minuets thing

i'm not going to explain why i feel like shit because i really don't want to relive it and i don't want to make any of you feel sad

because it's a shitty thing and it's mainly my own fault and i feel bad

but i don't want you guys to feel bad or to tell me that it's not my fault

because it is

i instigated the whole thing

but whatever

i feel like most people are severely overrated

like i'm not even thinking of celebrities or anything

i just feel like some people get more time of day than they should

it's mainly just normal people

and i can't even give an example because you don't know these people

but don't you just see some people in your everyday life and you think to yourself

"damn the world would be so much nicer and quieter without you in it"

but like no one else understands that?

so people give this person stuff and they pay attention to them but you know they're shitty

but no one listens

so they just get more and more attention

i feel like that's an emotion that people don't really talk about

i think it's a common thing

just like wanting all of the people close to you to understand the dangers of a certain person

i want that to be a thing that everyone knows about

no one thinks about that like ever

sad

it really is

i honestly don't really know what i'm doing anymore

i'm still trying to keep my mind off of stuff but i'm doing it by just writing the most incomprehensible shit ever

i'm gonna come are reread this tomorrow and be so fucking confused

i barely even know what i'm trying to say so future me who isn't tired or angry at life is gonna be fuckin struggling

also i wish some people got more time of day and more people acknowledged them

this is one i know everyone can relate to

like you see your friend or just like a random person who is just doing their most and you appreciate that

but no one talks about them or even acknowledges what they're doing

people just like get on with their lives

and you think that's unfair because that person deserves all of the attention in the world

damn i really fucking love some people

dam i really fucking hate some people

but i wanna think of all the people that i love

i really love my girlfriend

i'm pretty sure you all knew that but you just needed a quick reminder

like she makes me feel so soft and whenever i see her my soul is just happy and there are butterflies in my stomach and i can't stop smiling and gah

i'm just so happy that she's mine because she means so much to me

like she does so much for me and she constantly looks after me and she is 100% one of those people who just deserves so much more than what they get

i try to give her that but i'm not the best at giving people attention

i give like multiple people attention at once

kinda

honestly idk where i was going with that one

i'm not saying i want her to go off and cheat oh fuck no

i just want to see her smiling and coming up to me saying someone called her cool or whatever

i just want her to be happy all the time and i want people to acknowledge her for just being so supportive and kind

i love gushing about her it's my favourite thing to do

well i'm really tired now and i want to sleep

so i love you all

i will try to feel better and i'll try not to end myself

i care about you all a lot

because you're human beings and you're doing the best you can

so i love you for that

thanks for being nice

if you're not nice then get out

but i reckon you're nice

most people are

it's just some people are prickly bitches

and you gotta deal with that sometimes

i said i was gonna go and then i didn't

okay i'm actually gonna go now