eyes closed~~rants

an update

hey. it's been a while.

i haven't posted in 2 months. and erm, a few things have happened since then. so, i thought i should probably explain just what's happened.

first, i confronted someone about how they've been body shaming me for years. she refused to believe me. i was being kinda aggressive due to me being frustrated and finally letting out all of the pent up anger i had accumulated over the years. so, she went to our head of year (like a bitch) to explain her side of the story. at this point, i wasn't even in school, so i couldn't defend myself. the school called my mum, told them what had happened (a very biased explanation, anyway) and i had my phone taken off of me for 'being a bully'. i was defending myself. from a bully. i don't quite get it myself, but my phone was taken for 5 days and i was stuck with my ipad which is so shitty that it can't download whatsapp so i could keep in contact with my friends.

then, i got admitted to hospital. i had been collapsing a lot in the time before being admitted, and i was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, so my mum drove me to a&e. i got admitted into a ward overnight while we waited for the camhs emergency response team to come and do an evaluation on me. nothing really came from the admission, other than finding out i love game shows. that's pretty much the only thing i could watch in the hospital without paying for better tv channels. tipping point is great, but it would be better if half the people on it weren't dumb adults looking for a bit of fame.

then, i went to china for a week with my school. my school has a sister school in wezhou in china, so we went to visit them for a few days. we stayed in shanghai first for about 3 1/2 days for sightseeing before taking a 4 hour train journey to wenzhou. we were then in wenzhou for three days; one for sightseeing and two for visiting the school. we then took the train to shanghai again (another 4 hour train journey) before going back to the airport to fly home. i'll probably do a bigger chapter on china and explain exactly what we did while there, but this is just a little update, so i'll include a few photos for now.

and finally, i was kinda diagnosed with autism. i mean not really, but my family are treating it as a diagnosis in order to understand me more, if that makes sense? remember how camhs did an evaluation on me? well, while i was in china, the woman who evaluated me called my mum as she was writing a report. she was mainly checking whether she had all the details correct. my mum mentioned how i don't interact socially as much as my brother and sister do. they go out the house pretty much everyday, whereas my friends are lucky if they see me once a week. the woman said that from what she's seen and heard from me, as well as what my mum said about my social life, that i probably have autism. more specifically, high-functioning autism. my mum looked it up and thought it sounded like me. when i got back from china, she told me to research it and tell her whether i thought i fit into the categories. and i did. not enjoying being touched, never being able to start a conversation and having to lean on others to do so, being easily overwhelmed with my surroundings, finding it hard to have a normal conversation but gaining loads of confidence when the conversation moves to something i understand or enjoy, being highly sensitive, all of this rang close to home with me. we're working on a professional diagnosis, but for now, we can only try and incorporate this new factors into our lives in hopes that it will help me in some way.

well, that was the update. that's the major stuff that's happened in the last few months. i've missed out a few little bits but they really don't matter. these are the four things which have consumed my 2 months. it's good to be back.