eyes closed~~rants

depression

there's a problem when the only way i can articulate my feelings is by saying i want to kill myself

those words have ran through my head so many times today and i don't know what to do

i've had urges to do stupid things and the only reason i haven't done them is because i can't think of how to execute them

and you know what i mean by stupid things

i don't have to say it

because i feel uncomfortable saying it

i feel like i've slipped off of a tile roof and the only thing that's keeping me up is the plastic gutter and there's people below me telling me to hold on and that help will come soon, but they're not actually doing anything to help. they haven't called the police, they haven't called the fire brigade, they're just sat on the grass shouting up 'inspiration to me'.

they expect me to fix myself on my own

and maybe, in a few weeks or a few days, i'll get back up onto the roof. but the people below won't congratulate me. they'll get back to their conversations. just like nothing ever happened.

then i scream just so they'd notice me for a second and so they know that i'm not 100% okay but i'm better than what i was. they glance up at me. then walk away.

that's what this feels like.