(Completed) Jordan Is now has slowly recovered from the effects of the accident they had on tour last year. If he is really going to recover he will need to find that special someone so Jordan is then never alone.
So here it is day 1 of the cruise. I have been a nervous wreck since I got up this morning. I flew into Miami yesterday with Jon and we all have bunked in a hotel overnight so we were together for me. It is too early for me to wake up at 5.15 to get ready to pack and load for to the boat. Everyone was meeting at 6.15 for breakfast. Hope they are ready for zombie Jordan as that is how I feel getting up this early. While I was recovering and so depressed I wasn't getting out of bed most days. I had to get myself up this morning. I just barely got up when my cell was non stop ringing. Oh there is a surprise it's Jon making sure I am up no doubt. I don't answer with hello.
"I'M UP OK".
"That's a little full on first thing in the morning. You haven't had your first coffee yet" replied a voice "You were never a morning person J".
"Oh sorry Joe. Thought you were someone else".
"Oh . OK. You coming down for breakfast "
"In a minute". When I did get down for breakfast I wasn't hungry. I was so nervous and anxious about today that food made me feel sick more. I watched everyone else eat while I was sipping my morning coffee.
"Are you not eating?".
" I am not hungry and feel a little sick" I replied.
"Don't start this again Jordan? Here eat something" said annoyed Jon giving me a plate.
"I said I am feeling nauseous". I look at the plate he had given me full of healthy food. It made me even more nauseous. I pushed the plate away and stood up. Everyone looked at me. "Just don't. I feeling nauseous with nerves. Food is making it worse. My stomach is in knots". I walked away. All I z11hear is whispers as someone calms Jon who was complaining I left.
I went back to my room and laid down the bed closing my eyes to try and calm my nerves. The last time I was in public view I ran off the stage as I froze when performing. I am scared it's gonna happen again. I put some music on from my iPod. Hoping the music will calm me. I am not ready for this. Maybe I will never be. We need to be checking out soon and I am not ready. I am packed but I am not ready, me. I am getting second thoughts about this cruise but it's the tour that scares me because of what happened last year. Yes it was 15 months ago but I still have problems because of it. I must have fallen back to sleep cos the knocking on my door woke me up
"Hey J, you in there. They want your luggage and you need to check out of your room it's time to go" replied the voice behind the door. I got up and went to open the door, there was Joe.
"OK".
"You alright, you seem a little off today".
"I am fine just woke up as I fell asleep again".
"Didn't mean that? I mean you were a little off at breakfast. That anger was back in your eyes when Jon told you to eat something".
"I am feeling a little nervous about being in the public view again. Remember what happened the last time. I am worried It's gonna happen again. I am not ready. I don't want to fuck it up for the band in front of our fans" I said anxiously.
"You will be fine. We all helped you through it over the summer. We will be there for you always. Whenever you feel down and anxious we are here J. I know you are worried about the memories and nightmares you still have because of the crash. And being back in the band brings it all flooding back. We got you". I give him a weak smile. I started to sort my luggage out of my room. I put on my sunglasses and a baseball cap on my head to make me feel better that no one can see my scar.
It wasn't long for us to get to the boat at the docks. I started to panic especially when I see the crowds of fans waiting. They saw us and started screaming our names. The guys go over to mingle with them but I stay back rooted to the spot. Last year I would have been right there with them, Facebook live as well. Not now. I can't do it. I don't see the guys with the fans all i see is us on the bus again. I back away from it all and follow one of our guards onto the boat. I don't think the fans noticed I wasn't there. I hope. I got to my cabin and looked through my bags for my medication. As I found my anxiety medication just as Jon came into my room after knocking.
"Are you OK J?"
"I am now". Taking it with some water. "I am going sit here for a while. I will be there ready when the fans come on board. I promise. It's hard but I am trying". He places a hand on my shoulder as he leaves to join the others.
"Don't worry about it. Take your time OK, Bro" he replies as he leaves my room. I walk out onto the balcony and sit down. I take a deep breath in and close my eyes. Can I do this? Well I am here now there's no getting out of it now. Four days on the boat with my 4 best friends and all our fans. As we are still at the docks of Miami, we still have internet connections so I look at my phone to see any messages and photos shared via Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Donnie was Facebooking live with Joe. Stealing my bit but I don't mind as I can't mentally and physically do it at the moment. They must have I am not feeling very well as all the messages under the post were for me.
*Get well soon
*Hope you feel better
*Feel better. It sucks to be ill on the cruise
*Love how Donnie and Joe take care of their sick friend
*Feel better
*Miss you here. Not the same without you here with the others. But they are taking care of us.
*Hope you feel better.
*Rest up as we need you too on the cruise
It was soon time for the fans to come on board. I need to get ready to meet the others on the balcony to welcome the fans on board. I take a deep breath in, I can do this. I put on my sunglasses and leave my room. I won't be too close to the fans so I won't need to worry about them seeing my scar on my forehead and front of my left ear. My hair hides to rest of it. I am feeling a little better as the medication is working now. My stomach is rumbling now so I am feeling better. Jon was right I should have eaten something but I couldn't.
Now we are on the balcony welcoming them on. Here I am next to four guys who helped turn my life around and through the very hard dark days. I standing on the balcony watching the fans come on board. This cruise is going to be my turning point. To make me happy again. To become Jordan once again. I look over at the guys again, Jon catches my stare. He smiles at me and I smile back. I am single again so maybe I can find that new someone as I turn back to look at fans again. Joe and Donnie come over and grab me to dance with them. We start fooling around like teenagers again.
This is going to be a great cruise. I am going to enjoy these next four days. As I look back at the fans again I see a girl with strawberry blonde hair standing with her friends waiting to get on the boat with the other fans. I catch her looking straight at me. I smile back at her while my chest has a funny feeling. A feeling I haven't felt in months. Will I see her again.
I have 4 days of the cruise to get through but in the back of my mind is a tour next year. That worries me. I still have problems with fear and anxiety with the band. I need to be able to control it before we go on tour but I still got to get through 4 days of the cruise. The first of the part is tonight 70's night.
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