Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

J's Journal

Still Caitlins pov
I was reading about his eating disorders. Poor J. I have been reading through this the last hour and a half. I look over at him again, J is still in the same position as the last time I looked. All curled up into a tight ball because I touched his scar on his stomach and still fast asleep. I try to picture him what he was like during that time. He looks really good now, healthy-looking. Now I realise the time when I came into on the tour with them in Norway. It was after his severe panic attack and they had to send for a doctor. When I got there they were all making sure he was eating then and choosing his meals for him. I placed my hand on his biceps. I know he doesn't like his body at the moment because he thinks he's too muscular. I love him then and I love him now. I trace his muscles with my hand. He does look good. I then trace over his pecs and abs.

That's the problem right there". The voice said from the corner. I knew it was Jon.

"What does he mean by that? In your own words".

"Oh cos they are mad I changed it. I get annoyed when they call me by that name. It reminds me of what happened and I don't want to remember" .

"Why don't you want to remember?". I shrugged I haven't got a clear answer to the question "Now does it have something to do with you being angry with everyone as you were apparently left to last to be found and had something to do also with the feeling of being left alone, sense of abandonment. Do you feel like you were abandoned?". I nodded "Well there is a start. Well from I have been told by hospital staff and first responsers to the accident. They couldn't find you, you were no where to be seen. They didn't know where to start and that's why it took so long. They had to back track where the bus had been to where it stopped. The reason why you were not found with the others is that you weren't even on the bus. You some how got thrown through the window possibly by where you were sat but they are not sure. You were under some wreckage basically pinned down by wreckage on your leg and torso. You were found about fifty feet away from the main wreckage".

I looked at him angry "Well they didn't look hard enough now did they?. People left me for dead. I didn't know how long I was there for as I couldn't tell what day is was. I didn't know if anyone was coming for me. I thought I was going die on my own". I was really getting angry now, the angry tears started to flow. Jon noticed and came over to soothe me but I shoved him away as I didn't want his sympathy now, not ever. "Part of Jordan died on that bus that day. When I woke up I wasn't me. I was just a different person. I couldn't remember my kids, my wife (Jon looked at me with a worried look on his face. I didn't know why). I lost 32 years of my life and I didn't know one of my band mates cos I thought I was a teenager. God I thought I was 15 and that the band only started"

"That is normal with Post Traumatic Amnesia. The loss of memories send you back to a vulnerable state but being child like is a comfort and safe zone".

"That is one reason. The other reason is you look at me now then look at me before the accident there is a very big difference. Jay is fat and heavy drinker does not look at all like a heart throb, has very messy hair and looks scruffy. Then there's Jordan who lean and muscular a better looking heart throb and looks after his image. Jordan dresses better than Jay, nice clothes while Jay stays in sweat pants. He is also happy not angry nor depressed. That's just not me anymore". The last 3 months I put on a lot of weight. I feel really uncomfortable with myself and have started to take it out on everybody. I was more drunk than sober these days too. I was pissed now , no really angry.

"Listening to this , I know that you were diagnosed with PTSD. You show most signs in that speech of yours depression anxiety and anger. We now know where to start. We have a long road to go and quite a few sessions to get through". I really don't want to be here this is not helping at all. I just want to be left alone. I blame everyone else. I AM NOT THE PROBLEM NOR HAVE A PROBLEM.