Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

The show: London

I am standing in the main part of the backstage where we get food and sit down. I have been avoiding the certain ones walking around with their phones doing a live video. Oh no I get spotted by Joe.

"Come on, Jordan say something to them. You usually have something to say". I tried to back away. Donnie appears behind me out of nowhere blocking my exit route. They had this planned I am sure of it. I haven't done one of these since the cruise after the accident. " Come on please". 

"Hi" and then I walk off. 

"That's it J. Where are you going?".

"I am going to get ready for tonight". 

"But you are ready". 

" No, I am not" I replied walking away. I can't do this, I need time on my own. As well as getting ready, I grab some food and a bottle of water. I take my medication as well as to keep the anxiety down.

Now is time for the show. We do our pray routine. Now it's time, we are standing on the ramp to go up. I stand behind Donnie with my sunglasses I take a deep breath and look down. I feel Jon put his hand on my back to reassure me. Here goes as we appear on the stage. Don't look up, J keep looking at the floor. We go into One more night, My favourite girl, Dirty dancing and The right stuff. Because of me, we doing the same set for me to remember. Don't look up keep looking down. I can feel Jon looking at me making sure I'm alright. But what about him who's making sure he's alright. I glance over to him on my left. Yep, he's alright. Well, he looks alright. Breathe J. Stop thinking J you are going to lose where you are. Lucky I have it coming through my earpiece. I refused to do the tour without them, I need the help. I look up and see the crowd, I look over at Donnie doing his bit. Geeze J what did I just say don't look up. Am I really going to do this whole tour like this?
Oh, geeze tonight is up soon means to go through the crowd of fans. I can do this. 

Then I look up and see her in the crowd. A smile grows across my face. I feel a little calmer but not a lot as I'm still shaking. What does she do to me? Jon noticed what I was doing, he relaxes a little too. Donnie glances back at me and I have gone back to looking down or looking at them not out to the crowd. Within a flash, I have gone the other way. I felt like I was back on Arsenio show again in 1992 or the Today show last year. I am a nervous wreck my hands are shaking which makes my mike shake. When's our break for a change of clothes. Then I realise everyone is looking at me. Did I zone out? Oh crap, they are looking at me cos I missed my cue for The right stuff.  I zoned out again didn't I. I shake my head and let out a chuckle as if it was part of the show. I am sweating and shaking, I did it, the thing I was so worried about, I messed up the show. We did most of the routines from the package tour for the European fans so we still had a few more songs to go yet. Am I going to survive the tour if I can't get through the opening night? 

Finally, we have gone through Block party, Tonight, and now onto Summertime. During Tonight I walked through as quick as I could. I kept my distance, I don't how I managed to make it as I was wobbling my way through. I hope they didn't notice. They knew how I was feeling earlier so the behind to the scenes of us changing only had Joe, Donnie and Danny live. My shot was from the Package tour to keep the fans happy. But so I can take my anxiety medication without no one knowing.
While the others were messing around at the camera. I looked over at Jon who looked calm and connected. That's odd, the way I feel now is normally the way he feels. I mouthed to him 'I can't do it. Look at me'. I lift my hands and they are shaking so much. Jon looks at me, he throws something at Donnie to get his attention. Between them and our tour manager, they decide that I wear a microphone headset if I can't hold onto one. I guess that could do. Better than upsetting the fans by me not returning. I am trying really hard but it's not working as I am sweating and shaking. I tremble at the thought of going back out as I have messed up once on a song and I hope no one noticed I messed up on dance movement, I nearly fell over my big clumsy feet. 

We are back out doing the melodies of all albums and in the middle a melody of our new songs. I am a little less shaky but not much because I am not holding onto my mike it doesn't show as much. We're only halfway through. Oh crap, it's not done yet. I glance over towards Caitlin again I am glad she was closer. I smile nervously. I wonder if they are wondering why I am using a different microphone. At least with it, I don't feel like I am going to drop it because I am shaking too much. We do some songs from '10' Remix and The whisper was done earlier so we did We own tonight (cos Jon has to sing), Survive you, Jealous (blue) plus we have one for a tester for me as we never done this one Miss you more. That one I sat down for. Then Joe went into Please don't go girl, I sat out that one as my left leg was starting to hurt as I was getting tired. We don't sing Thankful as we use it for a break which I am thankful (sorry for the pun) cos I can't sing it anymore because of a mental block. I realised I have to sing I'll be loving you after step by step. Oh, crap the dance movements for Step by step. Hanging tough always finishes the show. The opening show is done and finished. We have another meet and greet to do which I sit out of because I am trembling but as my left leg is hurting. I wait for Caitlin to let her who I really am. She thinks I am Jay, a friend of the band. I hope she doesn't hate me for it.