I decided to have a session with Phil about my anxieties on the cruise. I sorted this session out, me. The one who wouldn't go in the first place. So here I am sitting in the same chair I sat in a couple of months ago.
"What brings you here today?"
"Wanted and needed to talk at the beginning of the cruise but no signal prevented that from happening". I still not over the flu and my voice is still a little hoarse. It sounds deeper than normal.
"How was the cruise?"
"It had its ups and downs".
"What happened to your hand?" Noticing the splint cast on my left hand.
"I had an argument with a wall on the cruise".
"Why was that?"
"I got angry because my leg failed me while doing the limbo pole" I replied "But that's not the only thing that went wrong on the cruise. I had a panic attack even before I got on the boat, seeing the fans all standing set it off. What I saw wasn't the line of fans but us on the bus during the crash".
"That's because you still relate the group with the accident so of course, the fans would set it off too".
"I had a few attacks during the cruise as well. I even had one being interviewed why I am not acting myself but all quiet and distance from everything and not being my normal like self, well being me. I had a bad one towards the end of our show and I actually passed out from it. Another one I was throwing up but I think that might have been the start of my flu. I was called boring Jordan too and that hurt a lot. If that was the cruise I hate to think what the tour will be like. I am having problems with my leg still. I don't know what the point of all this and maybe I should quit everything band and life".
"This is the first time feeling these negative thoughts like suicidal thoughts". I was shocked.
"No not like that. Just to hide away from everything and everyone". I sneezed as I still not gotten over the flu.
"How's the journal writing are you writing your thoughts down?"
"Nope".
"I think it would help so you don't bottle up your feelings" replied Phil "Has there been any other problems". I shake my head. " When is the tour?".
"Starts in April but we start rehearsing after Christmas".
"How do you feel about that?".
"Scared".
"Why is that then?".
"The usual feelings like I am going to fuck it up and ruin the whole tour. Or I can't carry on with the tour because of my damaged leg or I have a relapse with my traumatic brain injury considering I still have problems with my emotions and personality".
"Is that why of the boring comment?".
"I guess. I am just not me anymore".
"No, I think once you recover, you will feel like your self. You might already without realizing it. It probably shines through in some of the things you do. When you sorted out this session. I spoke to your fellow band mates. They seem to think your old self is trying to shine through and it has for months. They say since you lot went on your little trips six months ago, the old Jordan has been trying to come through. But you are scared to allow him to come out. Why is that? or you just scared to allow it to happen in case it goes all wrong and everything bad comes flooding back. I going to leave you with this thought I would like to you to give yourself a chance to allow the old Jordan out and go from there. I would like to see you again once you start rehearsals, OK. Just for a chat to see how it is all going?". I nodded. I left the session in a deep thought. CAN I ALLOW MYSELF OR KEEP HIM HIDDEN SO I FEEL SAFE. OR SHOULD I JUST LET GO AND SEE IF WHAT I AM SCARED OF ACTUALLY HAPPENS OR NOT!!!
A/n Sorry for the delay. I have been having some personal problems and it has affected my motivation to write.
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Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)
Fanfic(Completed) Jordan Is now has slowly recovered from the effects of the accident they had on tour last year. If he is really going to recover he will need to find that special someone so Jordan is then never alone.
