Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

Tour: Manchester gig 2

Showtime again, Caitlin went off to find her seat. They were sorting out our microphones etc, they tried to make me do the show no input through my earpiece or very little. I glared at them and refused to do it. I am not ready to do it on my own yet. 

"I want. I need help. I can't do it without the help. I am not ready" I yelled. "I WON'T DO IT. I WILL SIT IT OUT". My fists were clenched as I was getting angry. I was trembling with anger and anxiety. I have been controlling my angry outbursts for a couple of months since I punched Donnie. I started to walk off. They, the management started to get angry with my actions and started to threaten me with not only being dropped from the tour but also from the group. 

"Fine by me. I'm going to the hotel. Tomorrow I fly home then" I replied stomping off "I KNOW WHERE I AM NOT WANTED. I'M GOING".

"Wait Jordan" Donnie ran after me. He could see the anger in my eyes. "We can work it out. We can comprise an agreement. We will make them let you have your aid until you feel confident again and then wean you off it as you become confident. You can't leave, what about us? What about how Jon feels?".

"You will be fine without me. Joe can have my leads. You will be happy not to deal with angry Jordan or teary anxious Jordan anymore". 

"That's not true". 

"Please don't do it".

"Stay".

"You heard what they said to me. I'm out". 

"That's not actually true, brother. Please stay for me" replied a nervous Jon.

I shook my head "I can't. They don't want me. I have been a burden since I came out of the hospital with a traumatic brain injury and a leg that I can't use properly. I am no use to anyone even me". Jon grabbed my shoulders and looked into my teary chocolate brown eyes but I tried not to look at him. 

"Don't do anything stupid or anything you will regret later, J" he hugged me "Stay for me OK. No one else just me. You didn't want to join the group unless I came too. Now don't leave me here alone". 

"I can't as they don't want me". 

"That does it" yelled Donnie.

"Don't you do something stupid either" replied Jon. 

Donnie walked over to the management on a mission. "You can't do that. Not in the middle of the tour. He has a medical problem, let alone a mental health condition as PTSD and anxiety. He still recovering from a traumatic brain injury, his emotions are messed up still so his memory and personality but you should know that. It takes Jordan longer to get grips with new routines and songs. He has been working hard since the cruise to able to be on the tour. He isn't lying about it if that's what you think"

"Leave it, Donnie. Jon is trying to sort it out back there. Don't make it worse" replied Danny.

"No, I am not making it worse. No wonder he didn't want to be helped early on if this is the way he gets treated. Jordan has been scared that he would mess up and destroy everything. But yet you are doing that for him anyway. There are going to be angry fans out there and that will be on your heads, not Jordan's. If we lose Jordan then Jon will go as well. Do you want that, we don't as we can't manage with 3. Jon is trying to talk to him now. So the warm-up act on now aren't they? That gives us an hour at least". Donnie was seething. Joe was on social media trying to calm things there. He was on Donnie's Facebook.

'Here we are backstage waiting to go on. We are experiencing some technical issues at the moment. Don't listen to what is being said out there. We will be out soon. Promise'.

Messages are dinging up under the post so many were coming through. Faster than they could read.  

"They are with us" replied Joe "How is it going in the other room?"

"Well, there's no noise and banging. So they haven't killed each other yet".

"I am going to check on them".

"Is that safe?" Said Joe

"I will be fine". Donnie left to find us. He did find us in other room in the same position as on the cruise. Me on the floor in a crouched position with my arms around my knees and head buried. Jon was in front of me doing all the talking and trying to stop me from doing anything rash. I really do hate my head, brain and problems with my personality as one minute I am happy then within a second I change to either an angry Jordan or an anxious scared Jordan. Then my phone dinged.

Caitlin: What's going on? There's a lot of gossip out here.

I looked at my phone and gave it Jon. I don't want to talk to anyone at the moment.

JK: It's Jon here. J is a little busy at the moment. Nothing to worry just a few hitches. What is being said? I thought Joe sorted it.

Caitlin: gossip. You are not going on. Cancelling the gig.

Caitlin: Someone has left the group

Caitlin: One huge fight and you are not talking to each other

JK: None is true. We will be out later than expected that's all

I scoffed. Jon whacked me on the arm and glared at me.

Caitlin: K. See you out there. 😁😎🎤🎤🎵🎵

I looked up to see Donnie standing there. I rolled my eyes which earnt another whack.

"Oww".

"Careful, he gave me a black eye not long ago. He's buff up now" joked Donnie trying to lighten the mood. I glared at him. I am losing my place in the group and he's there laughing. I tense up. 

"Don't J, just relax" Jon knew what I was thinking before I did "If you do something they'll think you're on something". 

"All I am on is my anxiety medication and painkillers for my leg now and then. All this is doing" I said pointing to my chest and arms "Is what I normally do but a little harder and more extreme in the gym, and at home, weights, push ups and pull ups. It was like I could release my nervous energy by doing something that wasn't going to involve my leg too much, I guess I did it a little too much. It's like I can't even do anything without someone thinking the worse. You know Danny would kill me and you would definitely kill me, Jon, if I took something" I pleaded. 

"What time is it?". 

"7.30". I get up. Both Donnie and Jon look at me. 

"I better go and face the music". I walked out of the room we were in back towards to the main area. Everyone looked at me when I appeared, most were giving me a wide berth trying to avoid. Everyone else is dressed and ready except me and Jon.

"You alright J" replied Joe placing a hand on my shoulder "Even your shoulder feels different". 

"I haven't changed. I am still me. I'm back to being lean and muscular and not skinny and lanky no more". 

"Uh! You're not lean and muscular anymore. More like bulky and muscular now J" said Joe lifting his shirt "This is lean and muscular". Donnie agreed by lifting his too. 

"You're more like this, well nearly" Donnie replied as he lifted Danny's shirt.

"Hey". Danny tried to move away. I looked at Jon who was moving away quickly as poor Jon always thought he was the fat one. 

"We should be like Jon" replied Joe "Comfortable".

"I was but too comfortable then I went the other way because I thought I was fat" I complained. 

"Now look at you," said Donnie reaching for my top which he did and pulled it up showing my muscular chest again. I swatted his hands away and pulled my top back down. I feel vulnerable and anxious still about what people think about my looks and scar. 

"Don't you dare do that later?" I warned as I moved away. Donnie put his hands up in surrender. As Jon and I weren't ready like the others as we were off trying to get me back yet again. We got ready quickly and all ready for just after 8.30 an hour late. We stood on the ramp ready to go with me and my aid through my earpiece. Thanks to Donnie. I look over at him, he could tell I was looking at him through my sunglasses. He mouthed 'No problem'. I smiled back as I touched the mouthpiece of the microphone headset I had on. I was ready, full of my anxiety medication. J think of anywhere but Manchester. I can hear the screams of the fans and pyrotechnics going off. We went into One more night. And breathe J. Just keep breathing Jordan, you do this. I smile to myself.