Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

Cruise part 2

Still day one 

After my attack before we embarked onto the boat where I couldn't face the fans then let alone doing a photo shoot soon with fans. Then there is our concert too. I knew I wasn't ready for this. That's tomorrow schedule.  

I have to get through tonight's party which is a 70's theme. I am just sitting in my cabin avoiding everyone. I missed dinner now, my stomach tells me it's angry at me by growling as I missed two meals today. I know Jon is going to kick my ass to kingdom come. I am waiting for him to turn up as he has a key-card for my cabin for emergencies. Well Donnie and I have one each for his cabin for the same reason even if Harley is here. I hear the door click. Here he is now. 

"J you OK. You missed dinner". 

"Yes I am". My stomach rumbles again. 

"You sure about that". 

"Yea" trying not to look at him. He knows me better than I do sometimes. Always knows when I am lying as I avoid eye contact to hide it. Someone else comes in. 

"Here, we got you some food" replied Harley.

"Thanks guys. I forgot what time it was". 

"You missed the sail away party too. The fans assume you're sick". I go and sit down at the table provided in the corner. I look at the two of them already in their 70's gear. 

"Finish eating your food. Then get ready for tonight J. We will be back for you soon" replied Jon "Don't forget to take more of your meds OK". I salute him a 'yes sir' as I had a mouthful of food. He shakes his head at me and leaves with Harley. When did he get bossy? Normally it's him that hides away. I guess since I have been like I have, he has pushed his own anxiety problems to the side to help me. 

My stomach has calmed down now that it has had food. I go for a shower and get ready. I think a shower may help calm the niggly nerves I have. But I was wrong it didn't help at all. It got worse when I put on my costume. Even though I took my meds I feel the shakes coming on. I go out on deck with my shaky legs which just about get me there. Hoping staring out at sea will help me calm down. With that I take deep slow breaths like I have been shown through my therapy sessions with Phil. Maybe I should call him, wait can't as on a boat with no outside contact through cell phones. Mental note call him when back . I don't know how long I have been out there but it getting dark.

Jon turned up not long after to drag me to the party. Funny cos normally we drag him. Now I am inside away from the main balcony which leads down to the main stage. I take a deep breathe and walk out with the others. Out there in front of me was thousands of our fans. I can't do this, I start shaking and sweating. So much for taking my meds. I grab hold of the rail to try to stop myself from shaking so much. Donnie comes over with a cup in his hand.

"Here J drink this". I didn't ask what it was, I still downed it in one. Jon glared at him.

"What was that?".

"Just something to help with his nerves" he replied "We do it to you as well". 

"Just be careful I don't want him to fall off the wagon because you gave him a drink".

"He will be fine. It's just one".

After a while they all saw a different side of me, the old Jordan, one they haven't seen since the last cruise before I started to drink and go off the rails into severe depression and anger caused by PTSD. It was the one drink that Donnie gave that gave me the confidence to go onto the main stage with Danny and Joe dancing in front of the fans. It will wear off soon. Then I will be in big trouble. Jon won't let me have another as he is worried I will fall off the wagon. Donnie joined on the stage but then Joe and Danny dressed as Elvis and 70's guy with big Afro moved onto the smaller stages to dance with some the lucky fans. Donnie dressed as a 70's rocker brought up some fans too. One girl dressed as a hippy wanted to dance with me. She came towards me but I tried to step away. I am not ready for this, I started to panic. Donnie noticed I was having problems and came over.

"He isn't feeling very well tonight so don't worry about it".

She looked at me "No that's not it. He's different, boring. Nothing like last year, full on then and more fun". She walked off back into the crowd like nothing happened. I stood there not knowing what to do. Donnie saw the hurt in my eyes. I shake my head and went back up to find Jon. I found the two hippies a.k.a Jon and Harley. They looked at me coming over.

"Well hello, if it isn't Mr Saturday night fever himself" Harley says it sounding like John Travolta.

"What wrong J?"

"Nothing". I went over to the drinks table to fix myself something. 

"No you don't you, J" replied Jon angrily and took it from me.

"Hey, what gives".

"I am not having you fall off the wagon. What is wrong with you?"

"He got called boring by a fan. I guess she wasn't a JK girl" replied Donnie as he came over to us "Would you believe it the one and only Jordan Knight got called boring by a fan". 

I grab back my drink from Jon before he knew it and downed it. "Fuck off Donnie". I stormed off before my anger took a hold of me. I went back to my cabin before the party even finished which is strange for me to be the first to leave.