CAPTIVATED

Prologue

Kitang-kita ko kung paano bumuhos ang ulan. Kung ang ibang tao, iniisip na perwisyo ang ulan, para sakin, hindi. 

The rain came soft and steady, a thousand tiny fingers drumming lightly on the roof of the car, wrapping the world in a quiet hush; inside, the windows fogged with breath and stillness, and the only movement was the slow tracing of droplets as they slid down the glass like thoughts too heavy to hold.

I've been staring at the window of my car for an hour now. Umaalis lamang yung tingin ko kapag aandar na. Kanina pa ko stuck dito sa traffic. Wala pa nga akong kain.

Dahil na rin siguro sa lamig ng panahon kaya damang-dama ko yung pagka-gutom ko.

I would normally be at the office or somewhere in Makati having fun, living my best life. 'Yon na ang nakasanayan ko.

I looked through my phone as it rang, showing a call from my cousin, Aubrey.

"Good evening," Pormal kong pagbati.

"Hello!" She excitedly answered.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Fine. I just called to let you know that I'm back. I have a project here and I'm staying for a little while. You may want to catch up with me..." Saad niya sa kabilang linya.

"I haven't had dinner yet..." Sagot ko.

"Oh, please. Not tonight, Janine. Jetlag ako, sobra." Natatawa niyang banggit habang rinig ang pagod sa boses niya.

"I'll schedule a meeting for us. Maybe tomorrow afternoon after my meeting." I said as I looked through a lengthwise paper with my scheduled meetings for tomorrow.

"Sure! I'll see if I can get Reese first so we can both join you."

I smiled at the sound of her voice, "Hey, I have to go for now," I said gently, my tone was warm but shows finality. "Let's talk again soon, okay?" And with that, I ended the call, the screen fading to silence as the quiet of the car settled back in.

I am back to my usual quiet surrounding. Ganito palagi.

Living alone wasn't something I planned, but over time, it became something I understood. The quiet stopped feeling empty and started feeling like peace. I learned to enjoy the small things in life like cooking for one, talking to myself, and getting things exactly where I left them. There were moments of stillness that stretched too long, yes, but also a kind of freedom in knowing my life moved only to the rhythm I chose. In solitude, I didn't feel lost, the world just felt like me, without the noise.

And to be honest, I don't really mind. I'm not always alone so it's all fine.

Most of the time, I have Reese at home. My four year old daughter.

Well, not technically mine... but I'd like to think of it that way.

Kasabay ng pag buhos ng ulan ang pagdagsa ng alala ko. Memories that I want to keep forever if I can.

"Stay here, you have to stop playing for a while." My Grandmother spoke with elegance as she fixed the ribbon on the hem of my dress.

"I don't feel comfortable wearing this dress, Grandma." I complained as I watch my other cousins with their comfortable clothes.

Sometimes I watch my cousins laugh and go wherever they please, no questions asked, and I feel a quiet envy settle in my chest—because while they move through the world so easily, I'm still asking for permission just to breathe a little wider.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder. If my mother did not die when I was seven, would my relatives still treat me the same way?

I still wonder why my mom had to die so young. Sometimes I lie awake asking questions no one can answer, hoping that if I think hard enough, the pain might make sense.