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Chapter 19

I talked to almost everyone. Si Aubrey, parang hindi makapaniwalang umupo ako sa pwesto nila.

I didn't come here to watch her. I swear to God, I didn't. I told myself that on the way over, in the mirror, even when I was standing in line pretending not to check the door every two seconds. I was thinking that looking through the doors would give me a glimpse of her without being so obvious. 

"Uuwi rin siya agad, eh. Hinihintay ni Reese." sambit niya sakin.

At kahit hindi niya binabanggit kung sino, alam ko agad ang tinutukoy niya.

Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi niya. Hindi niya rin naman pinilit na mag open pa ng topic regarding kay Janine.

"She's off limits, I'm sorry." she faked an apology when a woman came in their table to hit up on me. "My cousin's wife." sambit niya bago tapikin ang likuran ko.

I laughed but didn't correct what she said. It's not as if I'm in the mood to go home tonight with a woman.

For the past years, I've learned how to enjoy things. I will sometimes go home and bed women there. Not that I have sex every after party. Only when I'm in the mood to do it.

I am no virgin after all, and things are not new to me when Janine left. Tho I enjoy having sex with women, I never dated any of them. It's purely sex and that's all it is.

"You okay?" Aubrey asked.

Hindi ko napansin na napatagal na pala ang pagkakatitig ko sa inumin na hawak.

"Of course," I answered. Doon ko lang din napansin na katabi niya na pala si Janine.

Nasan na yung babae niya?

Just like that, all the anger lingered in me. She was dancing so passionately with another woman  like she didn't spend moments looking at me like I was the only thing she wanted. Like she hadn't memorized every inch of me. Like I hadn't let her all the way in, stupid and wide open.

Yes I pushed her away, I did. But never did I ever told her to treat others the way she treats me. 

I'm not fine. I'm furious. I'm hurt. And I hate that it still matters. I hate that I care. I hate that she can be across the room in someone else's arms and still feel like she's the one holding my heart hostage. 

Ininom ko ang laman ng shot glass at naramdaman ang guhit ng alak sa lalamunan ko.

I didn't want to feel betrayed. That's the part that pisses me off the most. Because betrayal means I trusted her. It means I gave her something real. And God, I hate that I did. I hate that I let her close enough to hurt me like this.

I raised my brow when I met her gaze. Kung kanina wala ako sa mood mag uwi ng babae, pwes, kanina 'yon.

The alcohol is starting to crawl through my veins now. Slow and warm and dangerous. It's like this fake little comfort, like someone's draping a blanket over my shoulders just to rip it away again. I can feel it in my fingertips, in the way my jaw tightens even as my lips curl into some fake smile. 

Galit at iritasyon ang namayani sa utak ko.

And now the vodka's just making everything worse. It's not numbing anything like I hoped. It's doing the opposite. The ache is heavier now, turning into this slow, steady anger that won't sit still.

Ang lakas ng loob umiyak sa harapan ko tapos hingi-hingi pa ng tawad. Ilang araw lang pala yung bibilangin, may babae na agad. Every memory that we had together suddenly feels sharper. Everything she said, every smile she gave me, it's all flashing in my head like some fucked-up movie I can't turn off.