The Boy in the Rain//Klance

49. Lance

WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/TENDENCIES AND SELF HARM DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL HURT YOU IN ANY WAY MENTALLY/EMOTIONALLY AND EVEN PHYSICALLY!! THANK YOU AND BE STRONG!!

I watch the flame as I switch my lighter on and off. I don't even smoke, I stole this from Danny's room. I'm watching people leave the convenience store with a numb feeling. I'm really doing this aren't I? With  a sigh I stuff the lighter into my pocket, right where the ready to be sent letters are. With a shake of my head I step out of Danny's truck. With my head down low I walk towards the store.

I get dirty and judging looks from white mothers in their forties and in return I stick my tongue out. It's not my fault I'm suicidal Karen. I walk lazily to the isle with gasoline. I find the biggest bottle, tub, bucket? Whatever they call these things. I grab one and start walking to checkout. Why is gasoline so heavy? My cashier, an African American boy with nice hair, smiles at me, "Hi how are you today?" My usual self would smile and ask the same but this isn't usual Lance. This is last day on earth Lance.

He doesn't give a fuck.

"I'm feeling pretty shitty thanks for asking." The boy looks regretful that he even tried to talk to me and I smirk. Then a pack of gum catches my eye. I haven't had bubblegum in a while....I pick it up and hand it to the cashier. "This too." The boy nods and rings it up. "That'll be five dollars." I nod and fish out my wallet. I give him a ten and ignore him as he tries to give me my change. I grab my bag and walk on out of the store.

No time to think. If I think, I wont do it. If I think, I'll hesitate. I can't hesitate.

I get into the truck and toss the gasoline (probably not a safe idea) into the passenger seat. I put three sticks of gum in my mouth and turn the car on. I roll down the windows and plug my phone in. I search through my playlist. I choose SAD! and as I do I send a little prayer. I've never been really religious but X deserves it. I stomp on the gas pedal and turn out of the parking lot.

I sing along loudly and flip off any cars that pass me. The wind keeps popping my gum bubble and I get frustrated. SO frustrated I scream out, "I JUST WANT A FUCKING BUBBLE GOD IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? WHEN I GET UP THERE YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!" Then I realize I'm at a stop light and next to me is a minivan with the windows rolled down. About five kids are gaping at me. I make eye contact with the glaring mother driving. I roll my eyes, "Oh no Karen your accidents heard me cuss!" Then I run the red light. Screeches and tire squeals make me smirk. Fuckers.

I turn on to a small dirt road that leads to the park Keith and I first kissed. My stomach flips thinking about him. Maybe this will help him get over me. This should clear things up for him, so he stops worrying about me and instead about his future. I park sloppily in front of the run down play ground. The only things standing were the swings where Keith and I kissed. I glare at the swings. If only we didn't go out that night. Keith wouldn't have been so confused over me. I shouldn't have even switched Garrison High. Pidge and Hunk flash through my mind as I pour gasoline in a circle around me.

I think about playing video games late into the night with Pidge. Laying against her bed and fighting over the twinkies, oreos, chips, or pretty much any snack we had. How we would chase her dog around her backyard. How we would vine compilations with her older brother and scream out the quotes. I sigh as I lay on the grass. I shouldn't be thinking about them. This'll only hurt more.

I think about baking with Hunk and his mom. I think about how nice and supportive he was when I told him about my bisexuality and my dad. He promised I always had a place to be if I needed it. He told me I could always come to him. I think about late nights where we'd cuddle and watch romantic comedies and dramas. Depended on whether I wanted to cry or laugh. Hunk was a great friend like that, everything depended on how I felt. Too bad I wasn't as good of a friend to help him.

Lotor flashes in my mind for a second. Along with Ezor, Zethrid, Narti and Acxa. They accepted me willingly into their group. Then as soon as I started dating Allura they shut me out....Lotor was still sweet but he didn't go out of his way to talk to me anymore. Shiro pops into my head. Yet another person I mistreated and took for granted.

I think of Allura. I wonder what it will be like for her when she finds out her boyfriend committed suicide. Will she be sad? Angry? Relieved? Guilty? I wish I knew her better. I wish I loved her better. I lied to her so much. Good thing I wrote everything in my letters. I sit up and take them out of my pocket. They're all bound together in one of Nina's pink ribbons.

I choke on my own breath as I think of my family.

Don't think about them.

I think of Marco refusing to stop crying in my mother's arms. I think of when I held him close to me and he stopped immediately. I think of how I wanted to cry because of how precious this boy was. I just hope and pray he stays precious when I'm gone. I'm sorry I wont see him grow up to be someone special.

Don't think about them.

I think about me cuddling Luis in bed and telling him different stories of brave boys who were sent to fight off monsters. Only to find the dragon wasn't a monster but a friend. Luis loved those stories, he was the one who insisted the dragon be nice. Luis is going to grow up with a kind heart. I'm sorry I won't be able to tell him to be brave and caring. I hope he knows this is when his family will need him.

Don't think about them.

I think of running around a park with Chloe laughing on my back. Yelling I should go faster and when I do she laughs  even more. I remember walking her to her first day of kindergarten, I told her that even if she got scared or nervous or sad, that I'd be there. Then I gave her the necklace Abuelita gave me. Chloe cried and held on to me and it made me want to cry as well, but I stayed strong for her and kissed her on both cheeks before sending her away. I'm sorry I won't be here for her for high school and college and anything after that.

Don't think about them.

I think of how I would have to hold Veronica until she fell asleep because she was too haunted by the memories of our father to rest easily. I remember braiding her hair on picture day because Mama was working and she didn't know how. I think of when I fell off my bike Veronica was the one who let me cry and whine on the back of her bike all the way home. I couldn't have asked for a better and sweeter twin. I'm sorry for leaving her without her twin.

Don't think about them.

I think of Danny who would make me tell him which kids teased me so he could beat them up the next day. I remember as Daniel would swear to me he wouldn't leave our family and he'd always protect us. He was the man of the house, our father was not. I remember holding him as he cried about the girlfriend who left him with a baby to take care of all alone. I remember patting his back and telling him I'd be there whenever. I'm sorry that isn't fully true. 

With heavy sobs I think of my Mama and Abuelita. Two strong women who have worked hard to take care of me all their life. Only for me to give it away. I think of Nina who will never really know her uncle. I think of the delight my father will have when he hears I went out. I hope Mama is strong enough to leave him. The little ones shouldn't have to live with him. I scoff as I think of everyone. I've already written them letters that go even deeper than this, why do I torture myself into thinking of them?

I throw the stack of letters fairly far away from my gas circle so they don't catch on fire. So people will have an explanation for this. I pull my lighter out of my pocket and flick it on. I watch the flame dance and I poke my finger in it. "SHIT!" The pain stays but I just bite my lip and get through it. Whats coming is going to hurt a lot more than a little burn on my finger. I exhale loudly and I get ready to drop the lighter. I'm ready to let go. My fingers already loosen on the small lighter. I blink back the tears. I'm going to do it. I'm going to drop it. I'm going to set myself on fire.

And I really am going to do it, when a motorcycles revs into the parking lot.