I shouldn't care at all. Ashton didn't care to hurt my feelings so I shouldn't care that he used me. Sometimes I wish humans couldn't feel. I wish I was as emotionless as I act. I hate showing the way I feel, exactly the reason I had to bolt out of that classroom before I started to cry.
As much as I wanted to say those tears were only in anger, they weren't. I genuinely thought Ashton saw me as more than just a person to have sex with.
I put out my cigarette and for the first time I toss it into the trash bin before heading back inside. It was lunch break now and I had no motivation to eat, I never did for that matter.
Even though I didn't want to eat, I sat in the lunch room, assuming that Luke would come for lunch since he said he would. At this point, all I wanted was to talk to Luke and vent about my day. I wanted to speak to him about Ashton and how he had been right all along about him. It made me want to cry, how stupid I had been to ignore Luke.
Moments pass and I'm still sitting alone. I look around the lunchroom and can't seem to find Luke anywhere. It made my stomach feel sick.
Did he really forget?
I know this is all my fault. All this time I've been so cruel and unkind to everyone, this is what I get. I deserve to be alone.
The lunch bell rings, indicating it's finally over and I feel like crying. I shouldn't have expected Luke to show up. He was probably with Sierra, happy as can be and who am I to get in the way of that?
I stand up, slinging my backpack around my shoulder and head out of the cafeteria. The halls buzz with conversation and here I was, finally alone and silent with no one to talk to.
I walk down the hall slowly, making my way to my locker to grab some stuff for my next class. The halls are busy and suddenly, I hear some people laugh. I look to them and they stop before walking away quickly. Hurriedly, I walk to my locker and that's when I realize what the laughter was about.
On my locker, there were an array of different colored sticky notes stuck to it. Each one saying something harmful.
Slut
Whore
Sloppy seconds
One even said football team fun. I didn't really know what to do. Many more flooded my locker and for what? What was this for? I know I was a bad person but why go to this extreme to get a point across?
Without even thinking, I start to cry. Right in front of my locker, in the middle of the hallway. Soon after I feel my knees give in and I fall to the floor, crying into my knees. I sit there for a bit before I hear a familiar voice in the distance, probably farther down the hall.
"Is that Alice?" He speaks to someone far off and I ignore it. My breath catches in my throat and begin to feel very hot. I keep my head in my knees. I hear footsteps run to me and I stay in my same position. I don't look.
"Alice, what's wrong?" I don't respond, I just hiccup and find it hard to breathe. I take short quick breaths, hoping to get in the air I can't seem to obtain.
What's happening to me?
I try to speak and reply back but I can't seem to find the words, my hands begin to shake and I start to see spots.
"Allie?" I move to look away from my knees and see Luke. His brows knit together in concern. He goes to grab my arm and I flinch. He backs away a little.
"Allie it's okay, everything's going to be okay." I watch him for a few seconds until he goes to grab me again and I comply, still trying to breathe normally but I find it hard. He pulls me and holds me by my waist, hoping to keep me up in case my legs give again.
"Do you wanna go home?" I shake my head. He nods. "Would like to come to mine?" I nod and he nods back. He looks beside him and mumbles something. It's hard for me to concentrate but I assume it's to Sierra.
Luke walks me to the office, explaining to them that there was an emergency and we needed to leave. It took a lot of convincing but they finally gave in and let us leave school early. They wrote him up a dismissal slip and with that we left. Luke had walked me to his White Acura and unlocked it, helping me inside my seat.
"You okay?" I shake my head and watch him and he closes the door, getting into his side. He gets in and starts the car, speeding off from the school. I close my eyes and fidget with my hands, taking my mind off the pain in my stomach and chest.
"Here," I open my eyes and Luke's holding out a water bottle. "Drink this." I shake my head at him, feeling as if I might throw up as it is. "Drink it, Allie. You need it, it'll help with how you're feeling." Not wanting to argue, I take the bottle and drink from it. It made me feel a little better but the pain was still there. I close my eyes.
Luke turns up the radio and For The First Time by The Script plays. I lean my head back against the plush seating and start to cry again. I was so fucking sad. This whole day has been too much for me and it was pushing me over the edge. I felt like I was going to die, I wanted to die. Suddenly, I feel Luke grab my hand, squeezing reassuringly. I look over to him and wipe the tears from my eyes.
It's crazy that after everything I've put Luke through, he was still there for me in a heartbeat. It made me want to cry more. I didn't deserve him at all.
"T-Thank you." I speak out finally and he nods, not saying a word.
We get to his house finally and he helps me inside. When we make it upstairs, he brings me to his room. He grabs a pair of grey sweatpants and a white blink 182 band tee. He hands it to me.
"Shower and get comfortable, if you need help with anything let me know." So I do just that. I shower, and the whole time all I think about is my entire day. I think about Ashton rejecting me, Sierra being Luke's girlfriend and my locker. If Luke hadn't brought me here I don't know what I would've done.
I probably would've tried killing myself later.
I hate that I couldn't get these stupid thoughts out of my head, I hate that I let them bother me.
After I'm done washing up, I change into the clothes Luke gave me. I walk back into Luke's room and he's laying in his bed, headphones in. His eyes are closed and he's nodding his head to the music. I walk to him and take a seat on the edge of the bed.
He notices a shift in the bed and opens his eyes, looking at me. He smiles sympathetically.
"Hey." He sits up. "You feel any better?" I nod.
"Yes, thank you Luke." He nods.
"If you want you can get some rest, maybe take a nap. I'll be downstairs if you need anything." He goes to get up from the bed and I raise my hand to stop him, before realizing he has a girlfriend now. I put my arm down.
"Okay." I reply sadly. When he looks at me I put on a fake smile.
"Rest well." Before I can say anything else, he closes the door behind him.
I pull the blankets over me and close my eyes. And I know now that my biggest regret is letting Luke get away.
