My Adorable Bully (Matthew Espinosa)

Chapter Seventeen

I grab my IPhone. I have read articles that say your pone is just as simple to record and upload with than any other camera. I open my blinds and sit in front of my window ceil so the natural light hits my face perfectly. I tweet. "Hey guys! What should I make my first YouTube video about?" Matt's twitter followers all begin spamming me with ideas. 
"TEA OMG SHES DOING YOUTUBE"

"GRWM"

"Don't do it"

"Q&A"

and more.

Cameron wasn't home and it was no problem I was alone, it just means I can talk.  I can finally talk about me, my life nobody knew, my story. I open my Twitter and laugh at some ideas. I'll record a few of everything. I just want to talk
I get up slowly to go click the record button.
'click'
I take deep breath, I start.
"Hey guys! welcome to my new YouTube Chanel! This is where I'll be posting anything! but today..." I stop myself and stare out my window. Should I do this? Why not. I will teach myself to edit out the raw no talking moments. I continue, "I'm making a video about me and my story, from birth to now. The story that's been on Twitter, the story that been in my school, the story that's been in your mouths, m-my story. To start off with I was born in California, and was badly bullied through all the different schools I went to. I danced, I have modelled and I have done gymnastics. I danced until my mom passed away. She passed away from cancer when I was young. I hardly remember her because all the memories we had were of her in the hospital. It's crazy that those are the most vital ones I remember. I-I love her and miss her more than anything. I used to sit in her hospital bed-" I chuckle a bit holding in my tears "-and I used to make video montages of us making funny faces, and we would make room tours" I raise my fingers to make imaginary quotations. I insert footage of her and I. "Anyways, I have a brother, Cameron Dallas. He has vine and all and he's big, but he's hardly home, you know? Working boy. I mean we had an amazing bonding system when we were back home but not that much anymore. I'm 17 now and I live with my brother here in Virginia. Just when I thought things would get better they got-"

I choke, and tear drips down my cheek but i quickly wipe it, not this easily Madeline, hold on.

"see guys" I set off a choked up laugh. "I don't know if it's a good Idea to do this, but things got worse. I was beaten up daily, crying myself to sleep, I felt abandoned. Nothing made me happy, my only friend, was my razor. And to who is watching this I'm so sorry if this video is making you think differently of me, but I'm not perfect. I don't want this to be triggering but i self harmed quite frequently. I have used makeup to cover up what has been done, but most is hidden."
I blur "My only friend was my razor. My razor which brought the pain to my body. The razor that NOBODY knows about. And Matthew I know your watching this, and I know what you're thinking, you too cameron. You haven't noticed your little baby is suffering and had been for 7 years now. It's not your fault. I haven't stopped cutting because theres no reason to. There's pain in life, I struggle with depression, anxiety and bullying. But don't get me wrong everyone.. Things have  gotten better, I've never been this happy before but it's life, it's hard. I mean what's life without bumps in the road to teach you what life's about?!"
I swallow hard. "Before this all, I was sexually abused for about a year until I thought I left the boy who did it. He then found me again here in Virginia. I was sad and I was 2 months clean. I then cut again, more and more. Sometimes I wish my life was over, I wish my life came to an end, I wish I never existed. But now I have an outlet, I have a boyfriend. It just doesn't really cover up the fact that I don't like anything about myself. But I have to live with it. People do not understand that metal issues are something that nobody throughly understands and it's hard. I'm picky and do not like, me. Nobody knows this about me, but now the whole world does. I have a boyfriend named Matthew. And it's messed up to think about it this way. But he was my bully. I'm dating my ex bully. This proves how things change. I love him yes, but"

"So guys. That's the real me. You all know now." I wipe my tears and clean my makeup from running. " I am a MESS" I laugh, "What a first video man... anyways thanks for watching guys, I love you all. Social media links will be bellow, I love you guys" I blow a kiss and stop recording. For time that felt like forever I'm crying editing my video. I make a thumbnail  and I sit down while the video is uploading. I cut my wrist twice because I have been triggered, I hate this lifestyle. I clean the blood and put on a sweater instead of putting make up on my cuts because they're so new.

As the video still downloading I get a call from matthew telling me to come over to watch a movie.
I get into the car and I check the percentage of the video it's at 97% I start to rush over to his house and go over the speed limit. He's home alone? I walk up to his room to find him facing his computer screen with his back facing me. "Hey baby" I say walking up behind him to notice whats on his computer screen. He turns his chair towards me and is crying.
The first time I've ever seen my baby cry. He stands up off his chair slowly. He looks quite angry but sad at the same time. He walks up to me and grabs my wrist with pressure, he pulls up the sleeve "because, because of me?"
I nod the slightest bit and gaze into his eyes waiting for his response.