Grocery Lists and Scattered Scars(destiel)

[Not an Update]

It hasn't been a very great day.

(Talk of suicide)

I found out at school today that a Junior at the high school near me committed suicide yesterday.

I'm not gonna say her name for the sake of her and her family's privacy.

And even though I didn't know her personally, I'd seen her around and she'd even come to my school to perform at our pep rallies, as she was on the dance team and the cheer squad.

And people have been pissing me off all day.

Kids at school wouldn't stop talking about her. Even in my math class, where our teacher was obviously on the verge of a breakdown because she's the dance coach at the high school and she lost a student, but still persevered through it and came to teach us, kids wouldn't stop. Or in Spanish when the teacher specifically said not to say anything about her because he'd been her teacher, they went to the same church, and he was friends with her parents. He told us it felt as if his own daughter had died.

And, people keep calling the girl selfish.

Saying she had everything, popularity, a boyfriend, cheer and dance team, student council Vice President.

People wouldn't stop talking about how selfish she was, taking her own life when there are people out there with terrible lives. Kids with no friends, who get bullied everyday, and abused at home.

"She should have talked to someone. And how no matter how hard it gets you should never let it get to that point because people around you will feel guilty about realizing how sad you were, when it was too late."

The words in quotes above are basically the gist of the conversation my mom had with me and my brothers.

She said that if we were to even attempt at suicide, she'd never forgive us. Because even if it ends our suffering, hers will never end.

And it makes sense, but still.

And that hurt me. Hurt me more than you can even imagine because she doesn't understand that some people just don't have anyone to talk to. They don't have a shoulder to cry on. They may not feel comfortable telling people. Sometimes people don't listen and they tell you to suck it up.

And kids are now pretending like they were friends with her, they are all saying "how much that they are gonna miss her" and "how differnwt everything will be without her" even if they never said anything more than "hello" to her.

And that's one of the things that sucks about school kids commuting suicide(besides the fact that they are gone) is that kids try to seem sympathetic and heartbroken by the loss of someone they never knew, just so they don't look like bad people.

When really, they couldn't care less. The girl didn't matter to them. She never was a part of their lives.

And I get it, people are saddened. I am too. But they don't have to pretend like they were best friends with the victim when they weren't.

The kids that did know her, were ridiculed for bursting out crying in the middle of class. The ones who didn't, never even do much as shed a tear.

And I didn't cry. I just feel this heavy weight in my chest because yes, someone I didn't know died, but it's horrid what people say when someone else does something terrible to themselves.

And I don't care if I sound hypocritical. Because I didn't know her personally but I'm saddened by her loss. But I have reason. Half of the kids at my school didn't even know what she looked like and they acted as if they lost a family member. I probably wouldn't be as broken up by this if it weren't for the stupid kids at my school.

Because even if they are upset today, but tomorrow they'll be over it and act as if nothing happened. Life will continue.

And I feel as if that sounds rude but it's true.

So, I'm sorry if it takes me a while to update. I'm sorry if this seemed rude, or if you wasted your time reading it, but I felt the need to get this out there, to spread awareness for things like this.

You can never tell how someone feels inside. How good of a mask someone can put on while their insides slowly turn sour and they can't even think straight because they hate how sad they feel underneath their smiles and warm eyes. They don't want to act anymore.

People seem happy at school or work but can go home and cry themselves to sleep.

And let me put this out there real quick: I really don't give a shit who you are or where you're from or how old you are. If. You. Need. Someone. To. Talk. To. Don't. Be. Afraid. To. Message. Me.

I'm not kidding. Please talk to me. Even if I don't know you.

I was in that situation once. I was having a really bad month, my uncle died and my best friend became just a bad memory. One of my cousins was diagnosed with a terminal illness at the age of six. And I hated myself. But I met this kid that was my age through a game that I'm so glad had a chat because he messaged me and we got to talking. He told me about himself and we eventually became good friends even though he lives across the country.

So I'm here for you just like he was here for me. I want to return the favor. I want to help someone. So don't hesitate.

Anyway, I felt like I should get that off my chest.

I'll try to get an update out as soon as possible.