i am amanda

Pain (1)

I think the pain hit when my grandma died. Her death was tragic, and till this day it is still sickening. Being sick sucks. Not getting the help makes you worse. You took my 2nd mother away from me.

What else do you want?
The pain then got stronger and stronger, till this day I am still suffering. She died because it had something to do with her lungs, but I'm not sure what it was.

Then, my grandfather,
Who I don't remember much of. I start to remember him piece by piece when I start to think about him but that's it. He died 5 months after my grandma had passed away. He died because it had something to do with his heart. There is a lot of lung and heart disease in my family.

1 year later
My cousin Mathieu's death. He died in my cousin's stomach. She didn't feel him for 2 days so she went to the doctors. She had to deliver the baby knowing that he has died.

5 years later (this year)
On my birthday, my uncle died in the hospital, he has been there for a 1 month. He went because he had a blood clot in his stomach and had to remove it. He was fine until during surgery when a heart attack grew. Then he became unconscious and was unconscious for 1 week. He woke up once I think and they told us he was getting better. A few days later, he wasn't doing so well again, a couple off days go by, and he dies. Without me knowing 3 days later. I never got to say goodbye.

2 months later (this year)
My cousin died 3 weeks ago. She has been suffering with leukaemia for 1 year now and has been in the hospital since then. I haven't seen her and never said goodbye. Without me knowing 1 week later.

My feelings today:
I feel bitter. I feel bad, because I wasn't there. I feel like I let them down, I try to forgive myself and tell myself, "It's okay." When it's not. Why is it that the good people always leave first?

"They say grief comes in 5 stages, first there's denial, followed by sadness and anger, then acceptance. But at the end of the day, we will never let go of them, because love never dies."
(Quote by me)