i am amanda

the feeling of betrayal

It's coming to an end.
***************************

I've never loved anyone the way I loved this man.

As evil
And
Horrific

As he was,
I adored this man.

I was blinded but his actions.

But melted in his appearance.

It was like
I didn't care about how he treated people because he will get away with it.

But deep down,
I was in love with a monster.

It was like,
I loved the pain he gave.

So I kept coming back for
More
And more
And more
And more.

He was like heroine,
The more I inject him in my veins,
The more I crave his lust.

He was like a monster,
He was scary, but still I wanted more of his evil love.

He runs around my head,
Like it's a maze.

His voice in my head,
Telling me
"He's not me."
"Don't fall for him, he's not me."
"Why do you keep trying to let me go?"
"I'll never go."
"I'll never leave."
"Why don't you love me anymore?"
"You can't run from me."
"He doesn't love you."
"You'll never let go of me."
"I'm what you want."
"Not him."
*****************************
When he says,
"Why do you keep trying to let me go?"
I try because,
Thoughts of you in my head are gonna end up killing me.

The feeling of betrayal,
That's the worst pain.

The worst betrayal,
Is from yourself.

I hurt myself.
It wasn't you.

It was me.