i am amanda

2

We never had a good relationship. We fight all the time and he thinks he's right. He makes me feel bad then cry. It's been 5 years since we had a real conversation without fighting. He needs to know he can't take back what we never had.

Sometimes when he says
"I love you"
It feels like a lie.

He yells at me. Calls me names like,
Ignorant
"You have a small heart"
"All you care about is yourself"
"You put no effort"
"Your not nice"
"You make my blood boil"
"You always want me to yell"
"You love it when I yell"
"Go in your room"
I could keep on going but the list would be to long to read thru it all.

Have any of you heard the song
For The Love Of A Daughter by Demi Lovato?

Well that song is about my father.

Even when I was a little girl, he would get mad at me and make me cry.

He says I'm his little girl and he do anything for me, but he never does.

He's always angry and miserable.

I have accepted that he doesn't like me. He respects me, but he doesn't love me.

I am afraid of being loved
Because
I never felt like I was.

Like there's always something new everyday. He keeps me hostage in the house. I do cleaning. If I don't do it he freaks out at me. If I say something that he doesn't like, oh here comes the speech of the day.

I try to fight.
But it's hopeless.

Why fight for something when I know I'm gonna get knocked down by the one I love?

My father says, I am a different person when I'm around other people. That's not true. I am the same person with everyone. I might just have different attitudes with different people.

If I go out,
He has to know where I'm going.
Who I'm going with.
Why I'm going.
What time I'm leaving.
How long I'm gonna be there.
What time I am leaving the place.

Oh my God. I can go on.

But with my brother, it's different.
"Yes go out, keep your phone on ya."
FOR ME IT'S SOOOOOO DIFFERENT.

When my parents fight, it's a family war. That's why I avoid it. I close my door and sit and listen to the arguments. And half the time the arguments are about me.

Me
Me
Me
Me
Me

I'm the "bad" one all the time.
I'm the "miserable" one all the time.

I'm the worthless one.
He makes me feel worthless sometimes.
Hopeless. Sad. Betrayed.

Wasn't I your little girl?

Guess not.

I'm not perfect like you wanted me to be.

I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.

You have a hollowed out heart, but it's heavy in your chest.

Your selfish hands, always expecting more.

Am I your child or a hook to your fishing rod?

I can be manipulated only so many times.

Enough is enough.

I wanna leave.

But I can't.

Cause I have no where to go if I leave this house. So I guess I'm stuck here for awhile.

Just remember dad,

My first word was,

Daddy.