I'll Be Good

27

I spend all afternoon with Eric. We played video games, watched an action movie and had dinner (pasta). Now we are laying in bed. I'm in my boxers and a sweater of his. He is in sweatpants and in a shirt. I have my head on his chest. His arm is around me.

'The doctor called,' he says suddenly.

'What?'

'The surgeon for your top-surgery. He called.'

'Really?' I ask and look up at him.

'Yes, he comes from erudite to dauntless tomorrow and we have an appointment.'

'We?' I ask with a smile.

'Yes, I'm not letting you go alone.'

'Thank you,' I whisper. My mind is racing. My top surgery is finally getting closer.

It is silent in the room. Everything is dark. I hear the clock ticking from the living room.

'It was my birthday today,' I say then. Eric pushes himself up.

'What? Really?' He asks. His voice is higher than normally.

'Yes,' I say.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I'm telling you now.'

'Why didn't you say it before? I would have bought you a present. You know what? I am gonna go buy a present now,' he says.

'You don't have to.'

'I want to.' He gets out of bed and changes into jeans and puts on a leather jacket. He gives me a small peck on my forehead and leaves.

My legs are cold so I crawl under the blanket. I am so happy right now. My top-surgery is coming up and I have a guy who goes out of his way to make me happy. I never would have thought that my life would turn so quickly. A couple days ago I didn't have a place to sleep. I still want to make up with George, but I am scared, because I can't tell him that I am a virgin anymore. I will have to lie to him about Eric and I and I hate that. So maybe it is better so.

I hear the front door open. The light in the bedroom turns on and I squint my eyes. When I am used to the bright light I can see Eric walking towards me with a bag in his hands. I sit up straight. He kicks his shoes off and sits down next to me and hands me the bag.

'Happy birthday,' he says and kisses me quickly.

'Thank you.' I open the bag to find the monster from the store with all the stuffed animals. The cute monster Ross didn't like, but Eric saw me holding it through the window. I have the biggest smile on my face. 'Thank you! This is amazing,' I say and hug him. Eric takes off his pant and leather jacket and gets under the covers with me. I place trhe monster on the other side of me and wrap my arm around him. His head is on my shoulder.

-

I wake up from Eric who gets out of bed.

'Where are you going?' I ask.

'I'm going to get dressed. We have an appointment remember?'

'Ohh.' My heart starts to beat fast.

I get out of bed too, grab my clothes and change in th bathroom while Eric makes a phone call in the living room.

-

I'm nervous. My palms are sweaty and my knees are shaky. Eric and I are sitting in the waiting room. It is weird that there are people in dauntless who choose to work as a nurse. Why not go to erudite when you want a carrier path like that?

'Ellis,' someone says. A man in a white coat walks up to us. Eric and I both get up.

'Yes,' I say.

He stretches out his arm and we shake hands. 'I'm Dr. Burke and I have been in contact for a little longer than a month now. Follow me.'

'A month?' I ask Eric. He nods.

'Lets talk about that later.'

We enter a small room with a research table. Dr. Burke tells me to sit down on it and I jump on it.

'Eric and I have been talking about your gender dysphoria, but I haven't heard from you of course. So could you tell me something about it?'

'I- what do I need to tell you?'

'What kind of dysphoria do yoh experience?'

'Definitly chest... I feel like my chest should be flat.'

'Is that all?'

'No, I also feel like my hips are too big.'

'Do you feel like your body should be male?' He asks.

'I think that my dysphoria would be a lot less if I was born male, yes. However, I also feel like I wouldn' t be completely happy then, because how people view me.'

'So social dysphoria is also a big thing?'

'Definitly.'

'OK, and now your chest, because that is why you are here obviously. Because you also talked to a psychologist about you gender we already have diagnosed yoh with gender dysphoria, which means that you can get your top surgery earlier than normal. First I need to see your chest to be able to decide what kind of surgery is best for you.'

My heart beats fast. Dr. Burke looks over at Eric.

'Do you want Eric to stay, so he can see if I'm not going to do weird things to you?' Dr. Burke asks me. I looks at Eric, but he doesn't lock eyes with me. His eyes are focussed on the floor.

'He can stay,' I say. Eric looks up and Dr. Burke has a slight grinn on his face.

'Okay, can you take your top off?' Dr. Burke asks. I take my shirt off. Eric looks at me. Then I take my binder off. I feel very(!) uncomfortable. Eric's eyes are focussed on my face. I turn my head and look the other way while Dr. Burke starts drawing on my chest. He murmers a couple things, which I don't understand.

'You can put your clothes back on,' he says. I put everything back on and he goes to sit behind a desk and Eric and I sit across from him. 'You'll definitly be needing double incision. This means that you'll have two scars. During the surgery I will also take your nipples completely off, make them smaller and put them on you in the right place.
'Well, I jusg told you that you wouldn't have to wait very long for the surgery. It could happen next month. Are you okay with that?'

'Next month? Yeah, that's great,' I say. Yes, I am nervous, but I am also very excited and can't wait.

Author's note: disclaimer: this appointment is completely fictional. This is not excactly how it goes in real life. If you want to know how it goes in real life look it up.