Human // c.d

50

"Dear Jessi," I breathed out, cringing at my mother's beautiful handwriting.

"I've held a pen for over two hours now, debating on how I should start this letter off. If I tell you everything, you may not see me the same. Although, I'm probably on your bad side as is. And, I apologize for how I treated you for the longest, I was messed up, and part of me still is." The paper shook in my hands, and Cameron's eyes were glued to mine.

I began again, "You may have though I kicked you out because I wanted to, or hated you, or for whatever reason, but whatever you're thinking is invalid. And all I ever wanted for you Jessi was to be happy, and I couldn't make that happen. I couldn't be the perfect mother you'd deserved, I couldn't take you shopping or to get your nails done. I was a single mom, trying my best to raise you, and I was doing so great baby. I was doing great. But at a certain point in my life, depression kicked in, and even though it wasn't your fault, I was still wrong for the way I treated you. I ignored you, I kicked you out for God's sake. But, I did it for a reason. I knew that if I kicked you out, you'd somehow find a life out there for yourself. I knew you were strong enough to not give up, and still this day, I'm hoping you did. I'm hoping you finished school somewhere, I'm hoping you found yourself a job, a home, possibly a boyfriend to help you." I took my eyes away from the paper, starting straight at Cameron.

His were teary along with mine, and I could tell he felt uncomfortable, but I did too.

I sighed, finishing the rest of the letter.

"I hope you're happier, and I hope you understand why I pushed you away. I couldn't have you around such a cruel environment filled with drug heads and a shitty mom. I couldn't have you turn out like that, and I pray to God you didn't. But in all odds baby girl, I know that one day we'll see each other again. Maybe you will have came to visit me, or see me around town, who knows. But, it's been two years, and I haven't seen you since. Part of me is glad you didn't visit, I'd be ashamed for you to see the house. It's changed since you left.. But if it makes you happy, I've kept your room clean, just in case you ever do come by. I even bought a lock for you, so that no one could get in, and I wrote this letter for the hopes that you might actually read it one day. So, This is my apology. For all the times I didn't feed you, or never being home, or never taking in your presence whenever I was at home, or even say that I love you before you go to bed. I'm sorry that I wasn't a good mother to you, and that I didn't give you the love you needed. But somewhere inside me tells me that you'll find someone to love you like I couldn't, someone who will give you their time of day. It doesn't matter whether it's a friend, or even a boy. But in the end, I'm your mother, and I'll always love you unconditionally.

Love mom."

Tears were already piled down my cheeks, and I'm surprised I made it through.

"She's right." He half smiled through his tearful eyes, "I love you, that's all that matters."

I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck. His affection was needed at the minute, and I wanted to do was cry. To feel sorry for myself.

I wanted to go back in time, and help my mother from her addiction. I shouldn't have came back here, I knew it was a bad idea.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I wiped my eyes.

"Why didn't you call the police?"

"What do you mean?"

"When she kicked you out, why didn't you call the police? She could have gotten in big trouble, and you would have been put in another home. A safe home."

"I--" I stuttered, "I didn't wan't my mom to get in trouble, and I didn't want to live in any other house. I was free, so I took the advantage."

He nodded, "Just wondering."

"Do you want to leave?" He asked, and I was quick nod.

I grabbed the letter.

And my teddy bear.