Overcome [n.m]

Twenty One

As I walked downstairs, I heard my mother talking to someone.

I followed the voices to the kitchen and greeted Mrs. Thompson. I knew my mother was talking about me. I heard her say my name before I walked in. She was probably wondering why I was so fazed by Thomas's death. Wow. Thomas's death. Thomas had really died. I wanted all the details, but I knew I couldn't handle them just yet.

My mother gave me a welcoming smile and held her arms out for a hug. I let her embrace me and a tear slid down my face. I was pretty sure at this point I had nothing left in me. No more tears. I stepped over to Mrs. Thompson next and she gave me a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Kass," she frowned at me.

"I'm going to call Mrs. Bounds tomorrow and talk to her about the funeral arrangements. I just wanted to ask you first," my mother paused as if the question she was about to ask was making her uncomfortable. "Did you want to go? Would you feel comfortable going? I would understand if you didn't," she sputtered out, tiptoeing around the awkwardness of the questions. I stared off into the distance, did I want to? She told me to take the rest of the night to figure it out, while making it known that I didn't have to go. I agreed and went back up to my room.

My depression hung over me like an upside down shadow. I couldn't get away from it. I was scared to go back to sleep. I knew Thomas would be lingering in my dreams again and I wasn't ready to see him just yet. The fact that I didn't know what happened made it worse for me. My imagination took over and these horrible things came to life in my nightmares. I turned on Netflix and watched some Disney movies to try to lighten my mood.

"Thomas do not get into that car!" I begged.

"Shut the fuck up Kass, get in and let's go home. Damn you are getting on my nerves tonight," Thomas scoffed.

"Do you know what could happen to you Thomas? If you got pulled over driving, your life would be over! I know you are smarter than that," I pleaded. Thomas rolled his eyes at me. Typical Thomas. I couldn't let him get in the car alone though. What was wrong with me? I climbed in the car behind him after he threatened to leave me if I didn't get in. I prayed for a second before putting on my seatbelt. I had a bit of déjà vu. I realized that I had been here before.

Flashbacks of Thomas flying through the windshield haunted my memories as it happened again before my eyes. I screamed at him to slow down and stop but he still jerked the car. This time I didn't close my eyes. I witnessed as his body flew through the windshield. Oh, did I regret that choice.

I screamed and cried as I opened the car door and stumbled to the front of the car. Blood streamed down the side of his face where the glass was evident in his skin. The front of the car was smashed and the semi-truck that had hit us had flipped into a ditch. I really didn't know what to do. It was like in the dream state I was in, I couldn't do anything but stand there, screaming. This awful dream lingered on my mind for the rest of the night. I woke up countless times from it.

One nightmare after the other, going to the bathroom feeling nauseous but just sitting there crouched over the toilet, dry heaving, spitting up what I could when I could. I could never actually puke. I just wanted the night to be over. Thomas's body flying through the windshield replayed in my mind and in my dreams. So clear and detailed.

When I woke up the next day, it was two in the afternoon. I had slept through class but didn't seem to care too much. I hadn't missed any since the beginning of the semester, so I was okay to miss a few. What did I care, the semester was almost over anyway? I had good grades. I could feel my motivation slipping away. I didn't really seem to care about anything anymore. Nothing mattered. That's just how I felt. I just didn't want to exist anymore. I was tired.