Forever and Always

Chapter 4 - Pain

Levi plopped onto the couch next to me, completely drained. All I could do was stare. I sat in silence until he finally looked at me, avoiding my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Eren," he said. His voice was slow and steady, He was almost too tranquil, given the situation. He wasn't high on cocaine. Anymore, at least. He was too settled down for that. He would have been able to look me in the eye if he was still on coke. I couldn't speak. "I love you."

I was silent for a long time before finally opening my mouth to speak. "What did you do? Tell me everything. I've been worrying for hours. No apologies. I don't wanna hear about how sorry you are. No crying. I can't watch you cry. Just give me the facts. Cold, hard facts."

"I walked to the Santa Monica Pier." My jaw dropped. That was nearly ten miles from Levi's apartment. I would not have been able to walk that far in the entire time Levi had been gone. Let alone there and back. I let him continue, certain that would not be the most concerning part of the story. "And ran into my old dealer. Snorted some powder with him. Went on some rides. Coke wore off. Went to his place. Drank, smoked. Smoked some more. Drank some more. Girls were tryna get all up in my business. I didn't give anything to them. I'm taken and shit, ya know? Anyways, finished getting high and drunk. Looked at a clock. Went 'Oh shit. It's fuckin' late.' Got a ride home. Now I'm here."

"Well, thank fucking God you didn't drive. What about your red token? For three months sober?"

"It's in the ocean right now."

"Fuck, Levi. I feel like this was my fault. I shouldn't have gotten so mad," I said, biting back tears. I was mad, but I pushed the anger to the back burner. I would deal with the anger later.

"No, Eren. Don't say that. You didn't shoot the cocaine up my nose. You didn't force a blunt into my mouth. You didn't pour the vodka down my throat. None of this was your fault. It was all on me and I'm so sorry, Eren."

"How- how could you?" I hadn't pushed the anger back as far as I thought I had. "We were doing so well! And cocaine?! Why would you ever touch the white? I figured you were drunk when you decided that cocaine was a good idea. But no, you made that decision totally sober. What the fuck, Levi?! How could you do this to me?"

"I-I don't know. I just remembered that cocaine picked me up when I was down back east, before I met you. I just felt like a fuckup and I needed to feel better for a second."

"The guy with a full ride to Harvard law school feels like a fuckup? What a joke! Levi, you can't ever do that again. Cocaine was a worse fuckup than the argument. So much worse." Levi still couldn't make eye contact with me. "I love you, Levi. I mean that. We're gonna get through this. But, fuck! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"I love you too, Eren," Levi choked. "I don't know why you're still here, honestly. There's a few billion people out there that are better than me, but you stick around with a lowlife like me. I feel like shit, Eren. I really fucked up."

"Yeah, Levi. You did. But we aren't gonna have a pity party. It's late, and we're both emotional. Go to bed. Get some sleep. I love you," I murmured.

"What about you? Where are you gonna sleep?" Levi asked, finally making eye contact with me for the first time that night.

"I'll sleep out here. Go take the bed."

"But you don't deserve to sleep on the couch because I fucked up. You should take the bed. I'll take the couch."

"No. The bed smells too much like you. I would fall apart. Goodnight, Levi. I love you." Levi stood, giving me a pained look. I grabbed his hand, squeezing it, before pulling him down into a quick kiss. His mouth tasted like weed and regret. "We'll get through this. I promise. I just need to sleep alone tonight. I need some space for a bit."

"Okay," he said quietly, his voice barely a raspy whisper. "I love you, Eren. I'm so sorry." I released his hand and stumbled for his bedroom. Our bedroom. He returned with a pillow and blanket, handing them to me and leaving without another word. Tears were streaming down his face. I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I needed a minute before I could do that.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I realized that after the initial feelings of anger, there was so much pain. I understood why Levi was so torn up when I had a beer at that one party. I felt the hopelessness he must have felt. I was hit with the realization that as much as Levi couldn't save me, I couldn't save him, either. It hurt so bad. After about an hour of sobbing and tossing and turning, I fell asleep. I woke up with the sun, noticing that another body was on the couch with me. Levi. His arms were wrapped around my waist, his face pressed into my chest. My shirt was cold, like it was drying. I figured Levi had done some crying, too. I looked down and I saw Petra camped out on the floor beside the couch. Sleep relaxed the muscles in her face into a peaceful, dreaming smile. Levi didn't smell like anything anymore. Just himself. I figured he had probably showered damn well before he came back to me. He had that habit. He would spend hours in the shower if he felt bad or gross in any way. The whole fucking time, he would be scrubbing himself down. He took long showers after work at Wendy's. He said the grease stuck to him and infected everything around him with filth.

"I didn't think you'd wake up for a while," Levi mumbled.

"Why are we all having a sleepover in the living room?" I whispered back. Levi hugged me tighter.

"Petra heard you crying while I was in the shower. She camped herself on the floor by the couch. I guess you fell asleep by the time she got out there. But when I got outta the shower, she told me to go cuddle with you. So I did." I felt my heart warm up at what a good friend Petra was, and I had to admit, it felt good to be so close to Levi.

"I love you," I sighed. "Both of you."

"We love you too," Levi and Petra murmured in unison. 

"I didn't know you were awake," I said to Petra.

"I'm not," she grumbled. "Goodnight bitches."

"Night, Petra," Levi said into my chest. He leaned up, his lips barely reaching my chin. "What do you say, we take a trip? Just you and me."

"When?"

"Right fucking now."

"For how long?"

"Hell if I know. Let's just see, okay? I think we both need some time away from everybody else. And I have to remind you how much I love you." Levi's arms migrated up, wrapping around my shoulders, squeezing me tightly to him. I could admit that that idea sounded nice. There couldn't be too much harm in that. I nodded calmly and Levi pressed his lips to my neck. "You won't regret it, he murmured into my skin.

I sat up completely and Levi followed suit. We quickly got dressed into new clothes and slipped out the door, careful not to wake Petra as we left the apartment.