Danger Signs // Demi Lovato // 4

51. I Need You Next To Me

After our talk, Jay and I decided to go to Jordan's room to see how he was holding up. He was sprawled out on his bed, still in his suit that he wore to the funeral. He didn't look up or do anything to signal that he knew we'd entered the room.

Part of me feared he had taken something, but there was nothing in the room to suggest he'd ingested or injected anything. Jay silently made her way to his side and shook his shoulder.

"Jordy, wake up," she said.

I suddenly pictured the two of us living together and her waking me up in the morning. Then my eyes would open and I wouldn't be sure if she was an angel or not. I bit my lip to hide my smile and I also realized I was already planning a future for us. Our house wouldn't be small, but it wouldn't be giant either. It would be decorated by the both of us, so that when our close friends and family saw it, they'd automatically know Jay and Rosie live here.

My attention snapped back to the twins in front of me, Jordan groggily sitting up.

"I didn't sleep at all last night," he said, explaining how he had just taken his shoes off and laid back before falling asleep.

My eyes flitted between the two of them. Jordan was obviously tired and Jay didn't seem too awake herself, but she was more alert than her brother. I believed she had stopped taking that kid's Ritalin because she was never too awake. But with everything that happened with Paige and Tess, I wondered if Jay was just as skilled at hiding things.

"Rosie, you alright? You look pale," Jay said, holding out a hand to me and leading me to sit on the bed.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just... I was thinking."

Jay's eyebrows furrowed together and even Jordan looked at me, his eyes questioning.

"I've just been worried about you. Both of you. And I wanna know... if either of you have been taking anything." My words came out slowly and it was like pulling a knife from a wound. It had to be done, but it hurt like hell.

"What? Like what?" Jordan asked.

"Just anything you shouldn't," I said, looking at each of them so one wouldn't feel like I was specifically targeting them.

"I'm done with that shit," Jordan said, holding his hands up. "For real this time, I quit."

We both looked at Jay who was chewing on her lower lip, arms crossed.

"Jay?" Jordan said. "You're not taking anything, right?"

She nodded, but that wasn't enough.

"I need you to say it." My voice came out as a whisper.

"I'm not taking anything. I promise." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. I didn't think much of it because I knew she was still mourning Tess and we were all tired, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It seemed none of us, including Isaiah, had slept much since we found Tess.

For me, I knew that if I slept, I would dream, and Tess would be there. Paige too. And as much as I wanted to see them, I knew from my previous dreams with Paige that they wouldn't be themselves. They would be scary versions of themselves and they would haunt me as I lived my life, blaming all of us for their deaths until I woke up in a cold sweat.

A little bit later, Jay and I were back in her room, sitting on the bed as if we were awkward exes.

"Do you dream about them?" I asked quietly.

She could only nod at first. "The first one I had after Paige died, um, she was wearing white and we were talking. After I woke up, I couldn't remember a thing that was said, but her white dress started turning red. Neither of us even noticed it. When it was completely red, everything was just still, and then she said 'Lost people don't always wander. Look in front of you and you'll see someone who's lost, but doesn't look like it.' Then there was this gust of wind and Paige was blown away with it." Jay looked down at her hands in her lap. "She was talking about Tess. But I never fit those pieces together."

"Don't blame yourself, okay? Dreams are so weird sometimes that it's hard to see the true meaning."

Jay nodded. "Yeah, it's just something I've been thinking about a lot this week. Have you had any like that?"

I shook my head. "It's normally just Paige trying to scare me and blame me, but now it's Tess and Paige. It's so hard to see them like that, I've had to force myself to wake up."

"I'm sorry," Jay said, reaching forward to take my hands in hers. "Just think of them how they were before you go to sleep. That's what I've started doing. I think it helps their spirits feel loved, so they want you to see them how you remember them." She smiled slightly, stroking small patterns on the back of my hand.

"That was really... deep and nice," I said, feeling at a loss for words.

Beautiful, I thought, but I didn't say it.