The walking cliche

Unibrow was the ultimate cockblock for me

Jake

What the hell?

I needed to stop waking up in weird places.

I looked around the purple room and eventually my eyes fell on the sleeping girl on my chest.

Right, I fell asleep at Tessa's.

Fuck.

Did that mean I needed to be romantic again? It was morning! I'm not a morning person. What am I supposed to do? Make her breakfast? Yes, giving her a bowl of cereal screams romance.

I should just sneak out before she wakes up.

My idea of romance was sex in the morning but that annoying voice inside my head told me she wouldn't appreciate that. Stupid little voice. Usually I drink until that voice shuts the fuck up.

Where's the booze?

As if innocent Tessa has any secret booze hiding in her room.

Although the fire hoop thingy didn't seem too innocent. In fact it seemed incredibly sexy. Although in my imagination she wasn't wearing any clothes.

Damn it, stop thinking about nude people and think about how to escape this stupid situation!

Suddenly I felt her tiny hand patting my chest and then I heard a gasp.

Crapnoodles.

She's awake.

"Morning sleepyhead." I said in a sweet voice that made me wanna pull out my own intestines.

"Morning." She said with a sleepy voice.

"I'm sorry, I was supposed to leave but I fell asleep." I told her. It was the truth, I hadn't planned on staying but she hogged me like a teddy bear and I was still tired from the space cake.

"It's okay." She said.

"Too bad you're already awake. I was gonna make you breakfast in bed, but now I guess I should just leave." I said.

"Oh! I can stay in bed." She smiled at me.

Crap.

Not the answer I was expecting.

She was supposed to say it was okay and let me leave. Not do this!

I deserved a kick in the balls for that one. But I didn't do it.

Kick myself in the balls, I mean.

I love my balls too much for that. And I guess it would seem weird if I randomly started kicking myself in the nuts. Was that even possible?

"Jake?" I noticed Tessa was staring at me with her fiery eyes.

"Hmm?" I replied, still trying to picture kicking myself in the balls.

"You seemed to be in deep thought. What were you thinking about?" She asked.

"You?" It was too early to be smooth and it showed.

Tessa raised her eyebrow and it was pretty clear she didn't believe me.

"I tried." I shrugged, causing her to laugh. "So... I'll go make you breakfast." I jumped out of bed and walked downstairs using every curse word that I knew against me.

 As soon as I got downstairs I got my phone out and started dialing.

"Pick up pick up pick up." I said while opening all the cabinets.

"Hi, it's Snake!" The voice on the other end of the line said.

"Thank God! Snake I-"

"I'm obviously not here right now so text me like a normal person would. See ya." Then a loud beep followed and I almost threw my phone in the oven. Here's a cooked phone, Tessa, bon appétit.