Good Omens Oneshots

Lesson [Hastur X Reader]

"Crowley, you do realize I'm just a biologist, right? General life. Like, not even specifically humans!" you whispered quietly while looking back and forth between Crowley and his "friend."

"Yeah, you worked with monkeys. That's close enough," he said with his eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched up. "Please, he won't get off my back. Just teach him a little bit. You're a human, just talk about yourself or something."

"A human that doesn't get along with most humans!" you hissed.

"Is something wrong?" the man you were whispering about asked. He looked bored and ready to kill someone at any moment.

"No," you said with a glare to Crowley who gave a nervous grin. "Hastur, right?" He remained silent and just stared at you. "Right..." You glanced over to where Crowley was to see he was gone. "I'm going to kill him one of these days."

"You'll have to get in line," Hastur deadpanned.

You gave a snort and crossed your arms and sized the demon up. "So...What did you want to know about humans?"

"What's a computer?"

"A...A computer?" you asked for clarification with your eye twitching. That had nothing to do with biology. "That's a machine that people invented. It was originally meant to do different mathematical equations and just make some calculations easier for us," you said and scratched the back of your neck. "I think? Anyways, it does a lot these days. It has a lot of knowledge, so people can learn about whatever they want. Or we can play games on it, talk to people all the way across the world, really, it's pretty much unlimited. People use it to look at dumb pictures."

"What's a selfie?"

"It's where you take a picture of yourself," you said and started digging your phone out of your pocket. You walked over to Hastur and stood next to him. You lifted your arm and pointed your phone at the two of you. Your finger tapped your screen and a click went off. Quickly, you pulled up the picture and showed him. "This is a selfie!"

Hastur glanced at it. "Of course he would invent that. Arrogant bastard."

"Oh, and phones, well, smartphones, are a kind of computer," you said and started pulling up different screens. "You can't do everything a normal computer does on a phone, but it's close enough. Is there anything else you want to know?"

"What are nipples?"

You choked on your saliva and had to stop yourself from laughing. Wheezing, you held up a finger to tell him you'd just be one minute. "Uh, nipples, nipples are found on a person's chest. They're connected to mammary glands. Mammary glands, depending on hormone levels, produce milk. The infant sucks on the nipple and gets the milk. Most people have two."

"Do you have them?"

"Uh," you cleared your throat. "You don't really ask people if they have them. It's considered kind of weird. Some people have to get them removed because of illness. It can be something very difficult for people."

"Oh. You get sick."

"Yeah, everyone gets sick at one point or another. Some is worse than other illnesses. Some can kill us. We get hurt. And we die. That's how it is," you said quietly. "That's how it is for all life." You looked at him with your lips pursed together in a thin line, "Well, all Earth life. I guess you're a bit different!" You chuckled lightly. "But we make the best of it. We have friends and families. We learn! Learning is the best thing we do because then we invent things and create art!"

Hastur stared at you as you passionately started talking about the things of life that are worth looking at. He never gave those things a glance. Perhaps it was because he lives for far too long. He never thought to make his miserable existence better by enjoying what the humans made. Perhaps that's why Crowley seemed a bit more upbeat than every other demon in Hell.

"You okay there, Hastur?" you asked.

"Show me these things."