We Are the Normal Ones: Memoirs of a Fallen Human

Don't Worry: I Hate Me, Too

I'm on my period.
And I have bipolar disorder.
And depression.
And PTSD.
I'm making very bold decisions right now.
Michelle told me not to make big decisions when I'm on my period.
But I don't want this anymore.
I don't want to live for other people.
Taking care of them and neglecting myself.
A lot of things make me mad, sad and disappointed.
I can't express myself because in the end they turn it around to make it my fault.
It's always my fault.
In friendships. In my family.
It is always... on me.
"If you didn't make me mad, I wouldn't have hit you"
"If you were a better daughter, I wouldn't have left"
"If you fixed your plate first, you wouldn't have been left the two smallest pieces of fish"
"If you get money from other places, why do I have to put gas in the car?"
"If you waited longer, we would have gotten the stuff for you"
"You didn't give anyone a chance"
"You're always trying to kill yourself"
"I've been waiting for you to apologize to me"
You guys asked me not to die, to treat me like this?
How come no one apologizes to me?
How come when I tried to kill myself because of something you said to me, I have to apologize to you?
You all are liars.
"I wouldn't know what I'd do without you"
You'd be just fine. You would just have to do everything yourself from now on.
You asked me not to die.
Not because you actually cared.
But so that you wouldn't feel guilty.
I'm selfish if I don't share my Gatorade.
I'm mean if I only cook for myself.
I'm a brat if I don't take my older brother to work.
I'm lazy if I don't schedule my grandmother's appointments.
I'm "raging" if I say I'm upset.
No one says sorry.
But I'm all these things if I don't do what I'm 'supposed to do'.
"If no one cooks dinner, I'm going to stop buying groceries" so I have to cook.
"EJs job is important" so I have to take him to work even if he's a jerk to me.
"What happened to Nana's eye appt?" I have to schedule, keep tract of all of her appts and health conditions and take her to them all.
My only existence is to serve others in my family. If I don't, I'm the bad one.
I don't ask for much...
Why do you guys do this to me?
But I can't ask because it's something I should have done or didn't do, huh?
If I treated myself with value, would you guys treat me like I have value, too?
Ugh, forget it.

I hate me too.