We Are the Normal Ones: Memoirs of a Fallen Human

September 14, 2017

*maybe I'm the only one who can see the blood drip from the honesty of my eyes. Spreading all of my secrets to the ones who feel you are "just fine". But they're blind too.

Dear friends and my lovely family, 

I am still very sad. Death hasn't escaped my mind since my "official" suicide attempt. I am so desperate for a release from this. It hurts so much. It's embarrassing and pitiful for me to not be able to get myself out of this. My deservance to see another beautiful sight is slim. I know the sunshine from the sunrise is there..  but I'm so down in despair that I can't see the light or the hope for my future. Not the one in the next system but my life right now. What am I good at? What can I do? What impact can I make? I lost all of my desires and motivation. A person like me can't accomplish that. The person I was wanted to achieve greatness. But I am different now. My smiles are empty. My Bible is full and I'm malnourished. I know all of my happiness is in that book. But I can't seem to open it. Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt of my imperfections and my failed suicide attempt. As I go through my thoughts, scriptures always pop in to prove me wrong in the most calming and gentle way. Trying to get me to understand. Trying to change my mind. But my mind is deaf and stabbed it's eyes out. I'm blind. What procedure can I do to fix it's handicap? My arms are too short to grab my Bible and I cry in defeat. Can you see my blood? Maybe I'm the only one who can see the blood drip from the honesty of my eyes. Spreading all of secrets to ones who feel you are "just fine". But they're blind too. I promise I haven't cut myself. Ha, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. If I could, I'd turn them all around. I can't speak, there are too many ears listening and too many brains misinterpreting.  I can't cry. Then I'll have to speak. I'm dizzy with confusion. What I want, what I don't want, who I am and who I am not. Whats the mental illness or what's me? I'm tired of being pitiful. Can we move on please?

Can I buy a gun and end it all?

I want to...

I want to go BANG.

I want to go out with a BANG.

I'm just a moment to you. So let's just let this moment pass...