We Are the Normal Ones: Memoirs of a Fallen Human

Who Am I?

Today I am...

August 21, 2019

Today I am confused about what the subscript of Vloria is. Today, when Brianne (my therapist) asked me this question, I couldn't come up with anything besides the fact that I am sad. Well, I am feeling sad. Sadness is not what I am. It's what I feel. However, how do I describe myself with nouns? I talk to myself more than I talk as myself.

Instead of thinking of a simple answer, my mind begins to travel. Then I begin to question everything but the real question: WHO AM I? 

Qualities are multidimensional. There are levels to different verbs or adjectives such as the characteristics of patience, self-control and love. There are different levels. You can be patient with one thing but not in another. You can have a relative sense of love but not the absolute form of love. I don't think we can completely express a quality because we ourselves aren't complete. I mean, that's the whole concept behind imperfection is being incomplete. But what does this have to do with who I am? I think it's because I can't say I am patient because I haven't mastered patience in all forms. Or the same goes with kindness. I'm not always kind and I'm not kind with everyone. There's at least one person where I can't be kind to which I don't understand. I can't define who I am. I just know what I can and cannot do. Why is the verb more outstanding in my mind than the noun or even the adjective?

I read once someone say that nothing defines him because "a definition excludes the possibility for change". And I get that. Once something gets labeled as anything, it's rare that it's purpose changes. However, these days, all we do is refurbish the use of items outside of its basic use. For example, cameras being built into phones. Using a man's dress shirt as a dress. Turning anything from its common use as a medium in art. Making a sculpture out of staples or a string of floss as a knive.

Objects no longer have just one use anymore. Leading me to conclude otherwise. Definitions can change. People all throughout history change words meanings. For example, the other form of the word 'donkey' people use as an insult or slang but not it's original use. Same goes for the word to describe a female dog. Definitions are no longer definite. And I think that's the part that's tripping me out.

Defining myself feels permanent. It doesn't seem like something I can change one day. Even though I recognize the fact that people are changing everyday. I acknowledge that I, myself, go through changes in an inconspicuous manner.

The word 'define' means: 

- state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of
OR
- mark out the boundary or limits of

That second definition is exactly why I can't define who I am. Because I feel as if I am limiting myself to only those words. And if I don't live up to it, then I failed. Black and white thinking at its finest. (Why am I so obsessed with pass and failure?)
Because in reality, who cares?
So what if I make a mistake?
But not living up to a title is pressure I can't handle. Because I lost that description of who I was. I was proud of it all. It gave myself purpose and value. Not only in my eyes but in others. When I stopped being that part of who I was, no one knew how to talk to me. I could see the disappointment in a few when I was announced that I was no longer a pioneer. Same when I was no longer a dancer. I was then physically disabled, bound to a wheel chair.

I can't define myself because I don't it want to be stripped from me like the two most valuable descriptions of me was.

I don't want to focus on who I am but rather what I can be. Things I want to work towards. Like being happy, productive, kind, inspiring, encouraging, human, wise, forgiving... I just want to be okay. I can't think of what I am today. All I can think of is how I feel. 

So for now, for the sake of completing my assignment, I am going to silence my inner voice that's counteracting every thought of myself that I form.

Honestly, to put everything into the simplist terms: I am scared to be something. I am scared to be somebody.

I am feeling sad.
I am a mess but more like an organized mess.
I am a daughter.
I am a friend and a sister.
I am imperfect.
I am proud of my progress.
I am here. (Physically here; living. And mentally aware)
I am 26 (or rather I will be)
Today I am... trying to keep it together.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
Today I am searching for something.
Today, I am a TEFL student.
Today, I am a good listener.
Today, I am funny.
Today, I was a dancer.
Today, I was helpful.
Today, I was a little rude.
Today, I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses. 

Today I am, yesterday I was and tomorrow I will be.