- Twilight- Sideswipe & Sunstreaker (under editing)

chapter 21: talking

The next day, I woke up and stared at the wall. My cat was curled up next to me. I slowly got up and did my daily routine, when I came downstairs I saw Sideswipe leaning against the wall in the hall. I looked at him and looked around "I am alone," he said. I hummed "Come on... we will have breakfast together," he said. "Sideswipe... please, Ally doesn't like this!" I told him. "You're still a friend! she knows that and she also knows I am loyal to her, it's not a problem," he stated before he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the car.

I sighed softly while putting on my shoes before I followed him. I drowned in his perfect blue eyes for a moment before I hopped in. I buckled up while he drove off, I watched the trees and other cars. he laid his hand on my leg and grabbed my hand "What you told Sunny yesterday really worried me..." he said. I looked at him "Why?! it's nothing," I said softly. He looked back at me again "then tell me what I did what saved your life," he told me.

I stared at me for a moment and felt very uncomfortable. "look... you know I got bullied and I felt safe that's all," I said simply. Sideswipe frowned "Safe around me? when I brought you to school?" he asked. "I was glad you brought me... but because of you, they started to bully me even more..." I admitted. "really?! why?" he pointed out. "Cause... you are you... I mean the sports car... your look! I think they were jealous," I said with a sigh. Sideswipe nodded slightly "I am sorry... I just wanted to do you a favor!" he told me. "I know... and the blame is my own after all," I sulked.

I now realized why they started to bully me more, It was because sewer rat was jealous and wanted to make me miserable. She had good connections with Markus, good enough to make him rape me and almost kill me. All because I was in love with Sideswipe, I was suffering enough, knowing I would never ever get him, but she was making my life a hell my hurting me mentally and physically.

I knew I had to tell Sideswipe about it, but I was scared of his reaction. Sideswipe parked somewhere and let me hop out. I followed him and sat down somewhere in a restaurant. When we had ordered, Sideswipe turned his attention back to me. "Alright... tell me! what did I do?" he asked. I sucked in a breath "Do you promise not to tell my mother?" I asked. He grasped my hands and nodded "I promise you!" he stated. "Alright... well I already told you about the bullies... do you remember when I came home and you were mad at me cause I didn't tell you where I was that day?" I asked.

The mech nodded "Well... I got bullies... again! and I was upset, I didn't know what to do anymore... I was sick of them hurting me so... I went to the bridge, and I ehm... I jumped, it was an attempt to kill myself," I said. Sideswipe was speechless and I saw he was trembling "You tried to kill yourself?" he whispered in disbelief. I nodded quietly "I couldn't do it anymore..." I said softly. He looked at me with horror "I was badly injured that day... I had a deep cut in my flank and I was all under brushes... I could do it again, I could try to kill myself again, but I didn't, and that's mainly because of you... you woke me up, and even we aren't as close as I am with Jazz you did save my life..." I told him.

He held my hands tighter in response "why didn't you tell me?" he whispered. I shrugged my shoulders "There aren't  many who knows about it..." I whispered. "I'm so sorry... I wish I was there for you!" he said guiltily. "That's not all..." I told him. Sideswipe froze instantly "A week later, I had that...camp you remember?" I asked. Sideswipe nodded "Yes... you came back cause you were sick," He said. "I wasn't sick... I was raped," I said. "WHAT!?" Sideswipe shrieked, jumping up with horror all over his face.  

"I don't know what to say... I- I am very shocked about this... I just-... I don't have words for this!" he told me softly as he sat down again. "It's okay, Sideswipe..." I whispered. "No, it's not! I wasn't there when you needed me-... why didn't you tell me the truth?" he asked. "I didn't want that! I was embarrassed and very upset! I couldn't talk about it... but it's the reason why I stayed at the base... It got worse!" I said.

"I am sorry... but I need to ask... what part played your sister in this?" he asked. I looked him straight in his eyes "She knew about it! she's friends with the one who bullied me... she knew and she did nothing to help me! she just watched it from a distance and acted like nothing was wrong... I figured that out later in the forest... in fact-..." my voice faded away, I couldn't tell it, I was too scared. "Just... I can't forgive her for what she has done to me..." I finished. I saw the tears in his eyes "You should've told me..." he whispered. "I couldn't... I just couldn't... you love her," I told him. "Is this the reason why Sunny hates her?" he asked.

"I don't know... maybe I think it does play a role," I told him quietly. "I am glad you told me... but why would she do it?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders, I didn't want to tell him I love him. "Look... please don't confront her with this! I don't want any trouble and it finally started to settle again... I told you this cause you wanted to know about it but I don't want you to mix in this!" I told him. Sideswipe seemed to hesitate but nodded "Are there any other things you want to tell me?" he asked finally. "Isn't that enough?" I threw back softly.

He brushed some hair out of my face "It's enough... I am sorry! I am only upset about this all! I never imagined this... I thought you had a simple row... I never thought you would try to kill yourself.. and the rape...! I am shocked," he said honestly. "it's okay, Sideswipe..." I told him. "And your love... I don't know... I feel bad," he said. I froze for a moment "Who is your crush?" he asked curiously. I stared at him for several moments "You don't know him... so... it's not relevant," I mumbled. He frowned a little "Please?" he asked. I shook my head "I won't tell you who it is!" I told him firmly.

"Why not?" he asked with a frown. I shrugged my shoulders while avoiding his eyes "It's not important! I am not good enough! I can't give him what he wants... I am just.... not good enough!" I whispered. "I think you are... just tell me more about him! you don't have to call names... I just want to know... how he is," he said. I bit my lip slightly "Well... he's hot and ehm... funny, sweet, very smart, a little bit arrogant, he's perfect," I said while looking straight at him. He nodded slightly while thinking about it.

He was a mech, and he obviously had no clue he was the one I loved. I don't know... he just didn't get the hint, it was in my advantage. "I fell in love with him when I first saw him... he's my whole world... I can't think about someone else... I love him so much... and I need him so badly, but he doesn't like me," I said. He looked at me with sympathy "you sound very... desperate... it must be very hard for you," he said. "it is... I would do anything to spend time with him," I said softly.

Sideswipe grasped my hand softly "He sounds... nice," he said finally. "He's more than that... how's his girlfriend? Did you met her?" he asked. I grunted "Yeah... I did, I don't wanna be jealous, but every time I see them... I have that painful feeling in my heart, the feeling of missing something, I think he can get better than her... and I am not saying I am better, but she's... not good enough for him! he deserves better!" I told him.

"Maybe he will realize that one day... but it's his choice and I don't wanna mix in that... same as by you... if you're happy with Ally then I don't wanna ruin that," I told him. "So you... basically brush your feelings away to make someone else happy..." he said. I nodded "Yes... I am not good enough and I accepted that it's just painful to face him, knowing I will never be part of his life, while I would do everything to make him happy! I long for him... I miss every second of my life and I regret I haven't done more in the past to make him see me," I whispered.

Sideswipe looked with compassion at me, still holding my hands, a tear rolled down my face. "It's painful not to be part of his life, I accepted this months ago... but it still hurts," I said softly. "I know..." he whispered while brushing my tears away. "Do you think I am good enough?" I whispered. "You are... you're sweet, I just can't imagine why he wouldn't like you! even Sunny likes you!" he said with a weak smile.

I brushed my tears away "I am sorry... it's painful to talk about him," I said while clearing my throat. "It's okay... I understand, why don't you tell him how you feel?" he asked. "Cause his girlfriend... is terrible, she threatened me, and I don't want to get into trouble so I decided to do a step back... at least I tried, but he keeps showing up every time," I said while muttering the last part. "Well... that's a good thing right?" he asked. "Perhaps... but like I said... every time I see the one I love...it remembers me I will never be a part of his life... and I can't handle that all the time, how would you feel?" I asked.

"Terrible... I would do everything to be with Ally," he said. A painful stab went through my body "I am not able to offer him what he wants... but my love for him will never fade away, I will love him till I die,"