A Waltz in the Dark (Norway + OC Hetalia fanfiction)

Chapter 32

Quick Author's Note: The following chapter is filled with Christian ideas and themes. Please be respectful, because this is what I believe. (Yeah, I believe it so hard that it seeps into everything I do- even writing fanfiction!) If you don't want to read this chapter because it makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip it. Anyway, as you were, brave souls!
~
"Norway, will you come to church tomorrow?"
Chibi-Iceland stared up at him, holding onto his hand tighter as they walked down the hill. Norway looked back at Aud's grave until it disappeared from view.
Norway sighed. Iceland had been trying to get him to come to church for the past few weeks, ever since they met.
"Please?"
Norway looked back down at him, but the little country's gaze was penetrating. Norway was afraid that if he stared too long, he would find out why he was afraid of church; why he was afraid of God.
"Church is for those who are too weak to help themselves. But you, Norway, have magic," Norway winced. "You don't need God's blessing or protection. You can take care of yourself with me to guide you. You don't need anyone, especially not God. You are a god."
Norway shook his head, but it made sense. The spirit was probably right.
"Little brother, why should I go to church?" he asked. Iceland looked thoughtful.
"Because you can learn more about God there," Iceland said decidedly.
Norway thought about his words.
What do I know about God, anyway? Maybe I should go. Maybe I don't know as much as I think I do...
"You know enough. And you don't need God, so why would you want to learn more about Him?"
How do I know I don't need God? Norway thought about Aud and her conversion. Maybe I do. Aud needed Him, after all- more than that, she wanted Him. Aud the DeepMinded. That counts for something, doesn't it?
"She condemned you!"
No, she condemned you. Norway thought back to the spirit, viciously. She condemned magic and you, the demon in my head that I can't seem to get rid of.
"You don't want to get rid of me. Without me, you will go back to being the weak, powerless country you used to be. Without me, you are nothing!"
Norway decided to ignore him and looked down at Iceland.
"I think I will go to church with you tomorrow, Iceland," he said. Iceland smiled and then reached his hands up toward him. Norway grinned a little and picked him up. The young country yawned and laid his head on his shoulder.
"Thank you, big brother," he murmured.
*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.:**･
Norway was up, dressed, and ready to go by 7 AM.
Mary came into the kitchen a little bit later, dressed in a long black skirt and pink sweater. Norway looked up from the table, where he and Mr. Shepherd sat drinking coffee, and as Mary met Norway's eyes, she raised her eyebrows.
"You... brought your suit?" she asked, coming to stand next to where he sat.
He looked down at himself and then back up at her.
"Ja. Too fancy?"
She smiled and shook her head.
"I don't know, I don't think so. I'm just surprised you brought it!"
The morning went by quickly and soon they were all loading up into the big, green van to head to church. Norway and Mary sat together in the back row. They made it to the big building in less than five minutes and parked in the back lot.
Norway jumped out of the car and stared intently at the building, sticking his hands in his pockets so the Shepherds wouldn't see how they were shaking.
He wasn't sure what to think. It'd been years since he'd been to church. And he already had so many things piling up against him- forgetting to go to church was just one more thing to add to the list.
That's why he was nervous.
He walked slightly behind the Shepherd family as they entered the building. Mr. And Mrs. Shepherd were stopped by a couple dozen people, so Mary and Isaac pulled ahead. Norway followed them, but soon they were stopped too. Norway tried to stay next to Mary, but she was soon swarmed by people who wanted to know about her trip. Sometimes they would glance at him, and he tried to blend into the wall he found himself standing by. There were two double doors at the end of the large fellowship hall that Norway deduced must lead into the main sanctuary. Norway scanned the crowds for Isaac, but he was gone.
He wasn't sure what to do, but the room suddenly felt stuffy. Sweat began to form on his brow. He wanted to pray but wasn't sure what he could say to earn God's favor; he wasn't sure what to say to ease God's wrath. So he just stared up at the ceiling, feeling like he was having a staring contest with the Holy Ghost.
"Hello there, what's your name?"
Norway looked down and saw an elderly man standing in front of him. The man also wore a suit, he noticed. Norway tried to relax, but his muscles wouldn't comply.
"Hei. I'm Lukas. Lukas Bondevik," he said. The man stretched out his hand.
"The name's Matt," the white-haired gentleman said with a warm smile. "You're not from around here, are you?"
"Nei, sir," Norway said politely. "I'm from Norway."
"You've sure come a long way!"
"Ja, sir," he nodded his head, "I'm here vith Mary Shepherd, but she's a little busy at the moment..."
"Ah, well, she is the Pastor's daughter," Matt said with a nod.
"She is?"
Norway's eyes quickly found his tall, blond girlfriend in the middle of the room, where she had got swept away to while talking. Norway thought about Mr. Shepherd and could see him in the role of Pastor. And as he thought about their family, it made sense.
"Well, I'm glad you're here today," the elderly man said with another smile. Norway managed to smile back. And then Matt stepped forward with outstretched arms. Norway accepted the embrace, slowly and uncomfortably.
"One thing you gotta know about me is I'm big on hugs," Matt said as he released him. Norway just nodded.
"Well, there she goes! You better catch up," Matt said, looking over his shoulder.
Mary walked through two double doors, where Norway could hear music coming from. He nodded again to Matt and then rushed toward the doors, avoiding the groups of people still dawdling around. He entered the sanctuary, where the live music filled the air, coming from the band on stage opposite of him. There were several rows of pews already filled with people. Norway scanned them, looking for Mary. He finally found her sitting with her family in the very front row. Mary was frowning, looking all around. He jogged down the aisle, trying to ignore the stares he was getting. Mary made eye contact with him and suddenly looked relieved. She waved for him and he walked by her parents, Isaac, and Evangeline, going and sitting next to her.
"There you are!" she said directly into his ear to be heard above the band and the singing. "I lost you for a minute!"
Norway just shrugged and focused on the lyrics that were projected onto a screen above the stage.
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again," she said, and then turned away. He glanced at her as she began to sing, even though he couldn't hear her voice over the loud music. The song was like a prayer to God, he noticed as he read the lyrics, and they were thanking Him for saving them.
Norway looked back at all the people around him lifting their voices, and he couldn't help but wonder how they had such great faith. They were mortals and yet they already grasped a concept that he hadn't even begun to understand, even though he had been studying it for centuries.
He looked back at the lyrics.
"There is hope in Your name
Mourning turns to songs of praise
Our God saves, our God saves".
*
Mr. Shepherd was the pastor. Norway wasn't sure how he hadn't realized it before. After they sang a few songs and the band left the stage, Mr. Shepherd walked up, a nearly invisible microphone headset around his ear.
He began to preach, and Norway listened at rapt attention. Since it was near Christmas time, he was talking about Jesus Christ.
He explained how Jesus was God incarnate as a human baby. Norway listened carefully to Mr. Shepherd's voice as he spoke. His lecturing style was flawless, Norway noticed in the back of his mind, but he was too focused on the topic he was discussing to really make any mental notes about it.
Pastor Shepherd was approaching a topic that Norway had been trying to figure out for himself for ages:
Why did Almighty, Omniscient God take on human flesh, just to die in the most brutal way known on earth and then be raised back to life?
Why?
The answer that Mary's dad gave was simple, and it came straight from Scripture: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
God came as a human, died, and rose again simply because He loved us and wanted to be with us.
Norway looked down at his hands. That was what it always came back to. Always. It always came back to God loving people. But how could a God that was so loving and so kind allow such terrible things to happen in the world? Norway had witnessed and caused his fair share of those terrible things. Where was God in all of those times of pain, sorrow, and despair?
It didn't make sense to him.
Norway missed the last half of the sermon, too busy thinking about all of the evil things he'd ever done.
This is vhy God doesn't love me. Perhaps there is hope for mortals, yust not for me.
*
They ended up staying for both services. Mr. Shepherd had to preach for both of them, after all. Mary and Norway volunteered to help with the children, which at first Norway was nervous about, but he was put in a class with older kids, so it worked out. All of the preteen girls swooned over his accent, and the entire class had him read the memory verse over and over and over again. But Norway didn't mind.
When the services were over, the Shepherds finally gathered and headed toward the van. The family chattered amongst themselves, and Isaac asked Norway how Sunday School went.
"It vas good."
And those were the only words Norway spoke for the rest of the trip.
They stopped by a fast-food restaurant on the way back and got sub-sandwiches for everyone. When they finally got home, Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd claimed exhaustion and went straight upstairs to take a nap. Isaac had already flopped down on the couch with his eyes shut, so Norway and Mary went into the kitchen. They finished their sandwiches in silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence. Mary was the kind of girl who didn't feel the need to keep talking and was comfortable with being quiet. Norway appreciated that about her, especially now.
He had a lot on his mind.
When they were finished eating, she crinkled up her trash in her fist and then looked at him and smiled.
"What do you think? Are you tired?" she asked.
Norway wasn't tired in the slightest.
"Are you?" he asked. She nodded with a small smile.
"Perhaps it vould be best if ve rested, then," he said.
Soon they were up stairs and Mary was saying "see you later" as she entered her room. Lukas stood in the quiet house, now the only one awake. He turned and walked into his room, but he only stayed there for a minute. He wasn't tired, and frankly he was scared of sleeping. So he changed out of his suit into jeans and a white t-shirt, throwing his dark green University of Oslo sweatshirt over it. He then left the room and walked downstairs as quietly as he could. Isaac was snoring loudly in the living room, in a way that reminded him of Denmark. Thus, Norway wasn't afraid of waking him. There was an upright piano on the far wall, next to the entrance to the kitchen. He went and sat on the bench, looking at the music books setting out. He looked to his left, where a box full of more music books and sheets were piled in. Leaning up against the wall was a guitar, four ukeleles, and then a big, black case.
He recognized the shape and knew what must be in it. Norway picked up the case and set it on his lap. He opened it and smiled softly when he saw the violin inside.
*
Norway sat outside on their back porch with the violin. It had begun to rain, but Norway didn't mind since he sat under the plastic canopy. He played through the entire Peer Gynt Suite and had begun to play In the Hall of the Mountain King when the door opened. Norway didn't look but just continued to play, slowly picking up the tempo. There was a short squeak and then a chair was next to his. Norway went faster and faster until he couldn't keep up anymore. He let the violin screech and then go silent. He lowered the bow and looked at Mary.
"I see you found my old violin," she said.
"This is yours?" he said, looking down at it.
"Was," she said, "I never really played it. Ever. It's better in your hands, I think. That was a pretty song you were playing. In the Hall of the Mountain King, right?"
He nodded.
"You didn't sleep, did you?"
He didn't respond.
"I'm sorry I left you for so long, I would've stayed with you if I had known-"
"You vere tired. It's okay. You don't need to be vith me every second."
"What if I want to?" she murmured so quietly that he barely heard.
"Anyway," she said after a long moment of silence, "We're making some dinner inside if you want some."
*
After dinner was cleaned up, which Norway insisted on helping with, the Shepherds gathered together to do something that they called "Advent", which Mary explained was a Christmas tradition they did every Sunday until Christmas Day.
They lit some candles and Mr. Shepherd read out of the Gospel of Luke, which caused Isaac to laugh and poke Norway constantly through the reading. When they finished, the family prayed.
He barely heard what was said because his ghost wouldn't shut up.
When they were done, Mr. Shepherd asked Mary if she wanted to play them a song, to which she didn't vocally respond but instead ran to the piano. She pulled out a hymnal from the bench and began flipping through the pages.
"Hey Lukas," she said without glancing up at him, "Why don't you play along with me?"
"Yeah, I heard you practicing outside earlier," Isaac said, looking up at him. Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd nodded their approval, and Evangeline just stared at him, so Norway stood and fetched the violin from where he'd left it in the kitchen. He brought it to where Mary was already sitting down, the hymnal open to the song she wanted. He came to stand behind her, scanning the music quickly.
Simple.
Mary began to play and Norway quickly joined her. The rest of the Shepherds began to sing along.
"Silent night... Holy night..."
The song progressed and Norway relaxed more and more, letting his bow fly freely across the strings in a beautiful harmony.
And everything was perfect.
Until the third verse.
"Silent night, Holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord at thy birth..."
"JESUS IS NOT LORD. I AM."
The ghost's exclamation was so loud and unexpected that Norway dropped the violin.
It clattered to the floor, making Mary jump and the song come to an abrupt end. Norway stared down at the violin for a moment, his limbs stiff.
"I... I'm s-sorry..." he said, leaning down and picking it up. He carefully set both the violin and the bow down on the bench next to Mary, and then he ran.
He ran through the kitchen and out the back door, slamming the door shut behind him. Norway went barefoot into the frosted grass, looking up at the cloudy night sky.
"Jesus," he said to the invisible God he knew must exist, "I vant you to be Lord, but..."
He grabbed the sides of his head and winced.
*
Mary put away the violin. Her family watched her in silence.
"What was that about?" her brother finally asked.
Mary closed the violin case and then turned to face them.
"There is something you should know," she said. "Lukas... he has PTSD. Sometimes he will get flashbacks and, well..." She sighed. "Let's just do our best to make sure he feels safe here, okay?"
Isaac nodded, a worried look crossing his face. Evangeline stared. Her dad and mom exchanged glances.
"I'll be right back," she said, "Evangeline, why don't you practice your song for a bit?"
And then Mary left, walking toward the back door where Lukas had exited. She didn't bother to grab her shoes or coat but headed straight out. Lukas stood in the middle of the yard, where the porch lights barely reached. He stared straight up and didn't acknowledge her presence as she approached him. She looked up at the cloudy sky and then back at him, eying his floating "hair extension" curiously before looking at his eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked, gently. He didn't answer for awhile.
"Did you know that I believe in God?" he said. Mary shook her head.
"No, I didn't. I'm glad to hear that."
They stood in silence for a little bit.
"Are you a Christian?" Mary asked, crossing her arms.
Lukas lowered his gaze slowly, eventually staring at the ground beneath his feet.
"I claimed that title once," he said in a low voice, "But I never felt..." he sighed and looked back up. "I never felt forgiven. I vorked so hard... I tried to please God, but He has only been cruel to me. And that's vhat I don't understand," he finally looked at her and Mary wanted to look away, but she forced herself to meet his gaze. His eyes were desperate. "If God is the loving and kind God that you Christians claim Him to be, vhy is there so much pain?"
Mary was quiet, thinking over his question carefully.
"God doesn't want pain, Lukas, nei- God wants the best for us. But sin is in the world and people make wrong decisions. That's where pain comes from. Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean everything is magically better- we still have to deal with the consequences of our decisions. And you said you believe in God, but... but do you believe in His Enemy?" she looked up at the sky again. "Satan exists, too, and he'll do anything in his power to deceive us and turn us away from God and His love. And so, because of sin and the works of the Devil, the world is broken, unholy, and dark. And since God is perfect and holy, He cannot exist with sin. But that's why Jesus came. If we choose to believe in Jesus, God's Son who came as a human to die as a sacrifice for us, then we are covered with His blood and become holy in God's sight. If we believe in Jesus, we can leave the darkness, but... we have to chose to leave."
She looked back at Lukas.
"You said you worked so hard to try and please God," she said, "But you can't earn God's grace and forgiveness. It's already been offered to you, you just have to accept it. You just have to believe. Do you believe that God loves you? Or have you been too focused on earning His favor?"
Lukas turned his back on her, walking a few steps away before turning back.
"I don't deserve it," he said. The darkness made her unable to see his face, but she heard the hurt in his voice.
"Nobody does," she replied.
"But especially not me!" he cried out suddenly, putting his hands on his head, "You don't know, Mary, you... you don't know..."
"I don't have to, Lukas," Mary said, trying to contain the rising emotion in her chest, "That's the point of grace. Grace is the free and unmerited favor of God. Nobody deserves it, nobody can earn it, but yet it's offered to us all the same through Jesus."
"Vhy?"
His question hung in the air while Mary contemplated it.
"Because God loves us, Lukas," Mary whispered. "And He wants to help us through the pain. He wants to be the light in our darkness."
Lukas hung his head and was quiet. The silence lasted a long time.
Finally, Mary walked toward him. She looked at his face, which she could see better as she approached.
She ran the last few steps and wrapped her arms around him.
Lukas sobbed into her shoulder.