Secret Sins & White Lies: Book One of the Sweet Rage Series

B2: Elise

"NO, no... please... Itay...!"

"Elise? Elise, wake up. Wake up, baby."

I was again in that nightmare. Gaya nang naunang mga bangungot, isa lang akong presensya. Isang spectator na hindi makatakas sa eksena. Nakikita ko ang mga nagaganap pero hindi ko nararamdaman ang lamig ng hukay, ni naaamoy ang amoy ng lupa. Hindi ako ang nakakulong.

Hindi ako ang kailangang makatakas. Hindi ako.

Madilim, at nasa kahoy na kahon sa ilalim ng lupa ang isang lalaki. It was very dark, but I could see him as if there was moonlight inside the airless cramp space. He was pushing at the wooden board on top of him, scratching at it with his fingers. Dirt was starting to pile on him as it started to give, and it was getting hard for him to breath.

"Itay, stop. You're dead. Please... please stop. You're going to die again!"

"Elise... c'mon. Hey, hey—"

"Itay, Itay...!"

"Elise! Gising na, Elise!"

Nakita kong gumuho ang lupa sa aking Itay Fritz, and he had nowhere to go to escape. Sumigaw ako. "Itay Friiiiiiiitz!"

Bigla akong nagising. Napabangon ako diretso sa mga bisig nang kung sinumang nakaupo sa gilid ng aking kama. Humahagulhol ako at nagwawala.

"Ang Itay Fritz ko! Hindi makahinga ang tatay ko!"

"Elise, hey... hey, baby. It's just a dream... it's alright... it's just a bad dream..."

Naririnig ko ang tinig. Nakilala ko iyon sa wakas. Naramdaman ko ang mga hagod ng mga kamay niya sa aking likod. Yakap-yakap ako ng mga bisig niya, hapit niya ako sa dibdib niya.

He did say he was going to sleep in the sofa.

"Gian..."

At natunaw ako sa kanya. I was sweating against the air-conditioned bedroom and my eyes were wet with terrified tears. I was just glad I wasn't alone.

Nanonood ng TV ang mga lalaki sa sofa noong pumasok na ako sa kwarto kagabi. Nakaupo si Gian sa gitna nina Jason at Mang Karding. They looked like a big dog pile. Nakangiti pa nga ako sa cute na eksenang iniwan ko sa salas noong pumikit ako sa kama ko. The next thing I knew, I was inside my nightmare. "A-Anong oras na?"

"It's five in the morning. I came in to wake you up and give you your medicine. It's not real, baby. 'Yong nightmare mo... it's not real. You know that, right?"

"I know, but it seemed so real in my dream..." umiiyak kong daing. It was my Itay Fritz hurting and forever hurting as he tried to come back to his little three-year-old baby. It was terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.

"But it's not. Think about it. How can it be real? Your father was this genius who was able to make his contribution to green technology at such a very young age compared to other inventors we know of. He was so in love with your mom that he left his wealthy lifestyle to have a family here with her. And he had you."

Napahikbi ako habang naririnig ang paghanga at respeto niya sa aking ama sa tinig niya.

Nagbuntunghininga si Gian. "He might have died young, but you remembered him so well because he'd been a very loving father. His life wasn't a failure. He'd lived it in full and I don't think he's got any regrets, especially that he'd cheated death once before he got you and your mom. In fact, I would say he'd have been freakin' grateful."

Sumisinghot-singhot ako habang nakikinig. He was making incredible sense.

"He's got all the good memories that both of you share. He decided not to let you and your mother see him dying because those memories are the only ones he wanted left with you. He's been through the experience of dying twice, and I'm sure he knew better the second time. You should forgive him and let him rest in peace."

Nangatal ang aking mga labi. Noone had quite said it like that. It was making me feel better.

"You must stop feeling bad about his dying and let him go. Now, imagine if he knew about the nightmares. He wouldn't like it."

Of course, he knew what he was talking about. "You've had the same nightmares before. After Trina."

Sandali siyang natigilan, saka tumango. "Yes. I didn't want her to die. I hated that she died like that, nasabi ko na, hindi ba? Pero I knew her before she went overboard. I knew how she was, and I knew that she was barely surviving what she had become."

"You really loved her."

"I adored her." Nasa tinig niya ang ngiti. "She was wild and daring and more beautiful because of it. But I can't... explain what happened after that. She just risked more than what she was capable of handling to get the high. The girl prior to the accident – that wasn't my Trina anymore. The Trina that I knew wouldn't do something careless to endanger my life."

"How did your dream go?"

Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "My nightmare was of her crying and asking for forgiveness until she died, but I was locked in my body that couldn't move or open his eyes, and I couldn't forgive her or comfort her."

"I'm so sorry."

Ilang sandali siyang tahimik habang nakatitig sa malayo. Saka siya bumaling sa akin. "And I think that's where both of us are coming from. If we could have done something more... but we couldn't. Nothing can change that, and they'll never be back. That's the burden carried by the living when our loved ones die."

Yumakap ako sa kanya nang mas mahigpit pa at tahimik akong umiyak. Iyak na ako nang iyak pero kakaiba ang iyak na iyon.

I had a feeling I wouldn't dream that nightmare anymore.

"Elise, you need to have your medicine. C'mon..."

Kumalas ako sa yakap at tinanggap ko ang baso na kinuha niya sa tray na nakalapag sa side table. Ininom ko ang bawat isang pildoras at kapsula na nilagay niya sa aking palad bago ko binalik sa kanya ang baso.

"Okay. Go back to sleep."

Marahan akong tumango at nahiga muli sa aking kama. Nakaupo pa rin siya sa tabi niyon. Noong pinikit ko ang aking mga mata, naramdaman ko ang marahan niyang paghaplos sa aking buhok.

I felt vulnerable but protected. He felt like a sentinel, guarding me from evil nightmares. I felt grateful that he was there again.

Then I went back to a sleep that was dreamless this time, my nightmare finally at rest.