NOONG NAGKAMALAY NA, nakabalot ako sa blanket, may nakatapal na towel sa sugat ko sa ulo, at pangko ako ni Gian sa backseat ng kotse. Sinubukan kong gumalaw. Nakarinig ako ng kakaibang klase ng ingay mula sa kanya na hindi ko pa narinig kahit kailan. Tumigil ako bigla.
Tahimik kami hanggang makarating sa ospital. I got four stitches to my head wound, na-MRI scan, napahiga sa hospital bed, at nanatili roon na parang naka-invisible chains – dahil lang sa simpleng tingin ng lalaki. He was scary, as if he was going to explode if anyone made one wrong move or said one wrong word. My God. Even the doctor and nurses were walking on egg shells.
Naroon din si Madam Soniah, nakasuot pa rin ng party gown nito, alalalang alala at galit at sobrang guilty dahil ito ang nag-invite sa lola ni Shiela sa party kaya nakadalo din ang baliw nitong apo. Gusto niya akong magsampa ng kaso, complete with expressive hand gestures sa ere.
Pero mas aware ako kay Gian. Madilim ang mukha niya sa galit at sa suspetsa ko ay sarili niyang shock sa nangyari sa akin sa kabila nang sobra niyang pag-iingat sa akin kanina. Noong sinabi ng doctor na may concussion ako at kailangan kong manatili sa ospital sa magdamag para maobserbahan, saka lang ako nakapagsalita.
"Gusto ko na hong umuwi. Ayokong magpa-confine," desperado kong sabi.
"Absolutely not!" shocked na sambit ni Madam.
Nakatingin sa akin si Gian at siya ang binalingan ko ng nagmamakaawang tingin. Alam niya ang aking trauma sa ospital. Three years old ako noong umalis ang aking biological father para bumisita sa Germany. Limang taon ako noong naunawaan ko ang nangyari rito. Narinig ko iyon nang hindi sinasadya mula sa ibang tao.
"Nakalibing na siya sa lupa. Hindi na siya makakaalis d'on. Hindi na babalik ang tatay mong bangus."
I remembered my father very clearly. It was weird, but I could still hear his loving voice when he would wake me up every morning to eat pandesal with him. However busy he was, which I found later, there was never a day that he hadn't played with me. There was never a night that I went to sleep without a bed time story from my Itay Fritz.
My five-year-old self, who simply believed my Itay would fulfill his promises unless it was against his will, drew its own conclusions about what was keeping him away.
Gaya nga ng aking narinig sa napakawalanghiyang kamag-anak ni Inay...
"Nakalibing na siya sa lupa. Hindi na siya makakaalis d'on. Hindi na babalik ang tatay mo."
In my five-year-old nightmares, he was alive under the dirt, begging to get dug up so he could fulfill his promise to come back to me.
It took a while before I understood it wasn't like that. My mother guessed what was going on the very first nightmare that woke me up, screaming and begging that they dig my father up so she tried to make me understand. Pero sobrang matibay ang emotional tie ko sa Itay Fritz ko kaya siguro matagal ko pa ring naunawaan na hindi na buhay ang dead people. Na hindi na nasasaktan ang mga ito, nakadarama, nag-iisip at nakaaalala ng mga pangakong kailangang tuparin sa isang naiwang anak. Pero kahit natama na sa akin ang mali kong inakala, the nightmares continued.
At isa ang ospital sa mga triggers ng mga bangungot ko. I would think of my Itay Fritz dying in his hospital bed. And I would imagine him lying under the dirt, alive, wanting to dig himself out...
Ngayong malaki na ako, after days that were too stressful, I would wake up sweating. As if I had been through a terrible nightmare that I couldn't remember.
Hindi pa ako talaga iniiwan ng aking bangungot.
"Hindi ako pwedeng mag-stay dito," nakikiusap kong daing kay Gian. If I stayed, tuturukan ako ng pampa-relax at pampatulog. They would say it would be dreamless. But how could I believe that when I couldn't remember my nightmare when I wake up? I just knew and that was enough.
I was barely holding myself together. Nagsisimula na akong mangatal. Nabugbog na ako at lahat pero mas takot akong mag-stay dito. Isang sigaw na lang, isang kurot na lang, at bibigay na ako.
"Okay," ani Gian.
Napapihit sa kanya si Madam Soniah. "Pero Gian?! She's seriously hurt!"
"It's okay, Mom. I'll not leave her until I'm sure she's alright," pangako niya sa ina.
"Are you sure? Magpadala tayo ng nurse. Let's—"
"I'll drive her back here if something goes wrong."
Akala ko ay magpoprotesta pa si Madam Soniah pero napatitig ito sa anak nito, at sa kung anong dahilan ay tumango.
BINABASA MO ANG
Secret Sins & White Lies: Book One of the Sweet Rage Series
Misterio / SuspensoGIANCARLO VERRAZZANO lives a life forged out of the sins of his past. There was no going back. Or so he thought... Young Elise of the Von Schillers family was sent to Gian so he could mentor her without divulging her real identity. A professed cyni...
