Nada

Adulting

He nervously knocked on her door, shivering slightly in the cold, autumn air. The weather had changed suddenly, from humid heat to chilly breeze, and it still caught him off guard despite living his whole life here. He wasn't wearing a jacket and there were goosebumps on his arms when the door opened and Y/N looked up into his eyes.

"I'm here to be an adult." He said quietly. She looked at him for a moment before stepping back and letting him enter. He rubbed his arms to try and get some warmth as she walked to her small kitchen area.

"You want tea?"

"Yes, please." She poured him a mug and handed it to him as they sat down, him in the chair and her on the small sofa. He took a sip, wincing as the hot liquid scalded his tongue but grateful for the warmth. There was an awkward silence as they both sat there.

Y/N was not going to break it. She'd already decided that he had things he needed to say and she wasn't going to sit here and pour out her feelings to someone who didn't want them anymore.

"I'm sorry." He finally said, eyes down. Then he took a deep breath and looked up into hers, saying more clearly, "I'm sorry." She said nothing and he cleared his throat. "I shouldn't have said that to you. I-I'd been meaning to talk to you about it. See how you felt about it. But I got so lost, I...." He shook his head. "It's not an excuse. I was so focused on pleasure that I forgot about watching out for you, taking care of you, and that was selfish of me. Honestly, I shouldn't have put it off. I should have been honest about everything. I'm sorry for putting you through that, Y/N." He took a deep, shaky breath and looked down again.

The silence was deafening until she shifted.

"Thank you for your apology." It hurt to hear her speak so formally to him. But he'd earned it. He took another sip.

"I hurt you. And I didn't just hurt you, because of my actions you were left vulnerable and he was able to get you. Maybe he would've anyway but....I still gave him the opening he used. I know what it looks like to you. I know you think I don't want you, that I'm abandoning you, that this is too much drama and I'm hopping off the train." He wiped his eyes as the words left his mouth. It hurt to say them. To know she thought them of him. "But....it's not that. I hate myself for hurting you. For basically giving you to him. I don't feel like I deserve to be there for you. You're so precious and beautiful and..." His voice cracked. "I feel like you deserve better than me." He covered his eyes with his hand and cleared his throat, trying to hold back the tears.

There was more silence before Y/N finally put her cup down and leaned forward.

"When Mordecai first came after me at that party, there was someone who stepped in the way and dragged him away from me. There was someone who drove me to my hostel. There was someone who came the next morning and made me come with him to his place. There was someone who made me stay there until we thought it was safe. There was someone who took me in again. There was someone who was there when Mordecai humiliated me in front of everyone we knew. There was someone who showed me I was still desirable and wantable. There was someone who was patient and took his time. There was someone who understood how scary I found intimacy and made sure it was something to remember. There was someone who taught me how to give my first blow job. There was someone who has always held onto me during our performances, someone I always knew had my back." Y/N paused and looked at him, but he wouldn't meet her eyes. "That someone was you, Hoseok. When I was laying in that warehouse convinced I was going to die, all I could think about was you. About how sorry I was for mistaking you and not just talking it out with you. About how Mordecai was going to make your life miserable. About how much I wanted you to come find me and hold me and make me feel safe. And when I woke up I wanted that, but you've convinced yourself that one mistake erases everything good you've ever done for me. When you say I deserve better what you're really saying is I don't deserve to have anything you've given me anymore. I don't deserve to be wanted or desired or cherished or to feel safe. Because you've given me all those things. I can be by myself but now I've had you and I don't want to not have those things from you. I want them. I want you." Tears had begun streaming down his cheeks as Y/N continued and when she finished he was still covering his face but choked on a sob. She had tears in her eyes as well.

"I'm not going to beg, Hoseok. I've always known you have flaws. I didn't start dating you thinking you were perfect. I felt safe enough to date you because I know you're the kind of person who will work on them and push yourself to be better. You don't make excuses and just keep hurting people. You grow...." She was cut off by Hoseok standing up and then getting on his knees beside the couch, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her neck.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry...." Y/N cried quietly with relief and squeezed him tightly to her.

"Don't leave me, please." She whispered.

They cried together, getting the emotions of the past couple of weeks out of their systems. And when they were done they both said nothing, just quietly helped each other up and climbed into her bed. Hoseok buried his face in her hair, holding her tightly to him. Y/N rested her face in his chest, for the first time since their fight feeling safe and like nothing bad could touch her.